Expanding Thoughts

Expanding wastelines

2005-12-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

Oh well,

It is that time of year, we are all super busy, eating way too much food, and trying to make sure our pants don't split...at least that is what I am doing. Work is super busy but I am hoping to do a real post soon since this is the one year anniversary month of the blog...not that I have been very good about posting, never mind about the point of the blog, which was to get me writing more. I do hope to start making more progress in this arena, even as i am getting more busy at work.

Starting with this post, Let's see what I can do for the next few weeks and we'll see if this continues.

Halloween

2005-10-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

So here it is Halloween and it has got us thinking about Trick-or-Treating and what we will do with our child. It is sad to think back that when we were children we walked around the neighborhood to every house and got pillowcases full of candy. Now, as adults, we live in a neighborhood and just manage to get a handfull of kids. Not that I blame parents for the lack of kids, why has society gotten so dangerous that this once fun activity is no more?

On top of it, a school in Massachusetts has just put a stop to all Halloween activities at school (one of the only safe places for it now a days) because we have become too PC. I understand the rationale behind the decision but what ever happened to letting kids be kids? Should kids get taught about diversity, religions, and other things that make us different? Of course. But shouldn't they also be taught to have fun, enjoy life, and be yourself?

Just thoughts to ponder on a Monday morning.

Happy Halloween.

Today

2005-10-10T10:23:00.000-04:00

Today is another day of cloudy skys and rain. Thank goodness we have not had as much rain as in southern NH. 11" in 24 hours. Ouch! We remained relatively dry despite the heavy rain here. No global warming huh?

Sunday nights have been tough as of the last month or so. I end up watching TV, lying in bed, just thinking and dredding about work. I am not sure why or if it is work per say. Sunday night rolls around and my head just starts up. I could be tired all day but come 7 o'clock, my brain clicks in all the things I did not get done this past weekend, all the things I want to do, what my day is going to be like at work....Last week the hubby had had enough and told me to relax. To enjoy what I have and not what I don't have. But sometimes it is more than that.

I feel like I have been rembling a lot lately. Thoughts flying in and out of my head faster than I can control them. What to do? Who knows. I am trying to take it one thing at a time but sometimes it just does not work. today is not too bad. Trying to get some work done and trying not too think about all I would prefer to be doing (or not doing--movies, couch, rainy weather). We shall see how the rest of the day goes.

On a better note, started WW again but have yet to shed any weight. Not much to go but enough to try and start shrinking the portion sizes again. Hopefully back to the gym this afternoon.

Something I need to do more

2005-10-03T09:07:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was preparing for another hectic week, my husband told me I was too stressed and need to relax. So with that in mind:
REDUCE YOUR STRESS
1 SNUGGLE WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER 2 LAUGH 3 DO A HANDSTAND 4 CRY 5 GO SKY DIVING 6 TAKE A NAP 7 MAKE A TO DO LIST 8 LOOK AT OLD PHOTO ALBUMS 9 COLOR IN A COLORING BOOK 10 MAKE SNOW ANGELS 11 SIT ON A ROCK AND BLOW BUBBLES 12 ROCK CLIMB 13 LIE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GRASSY MEADOW 14 PAINT A PICTURE 15 WATCH A DRYER SPIN 16 MAKE RICE KRISPIE TREATS 17 WATCH A SUNSET 18 GIVE A HUG 19 WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL 20 JUMP IN A LEAF PILE 21 RECEIVE A HUG 22 EAT M&MS 23 GIVE YOURSELF A FACIAL 24 WRITE DOWN TEN THINGS YOU ARE HAPPY ABOUT 25 SERENADE YOURSELF 26 TAKE A DEEP BREATH 27 STARE AT THE MOON 28 LISTEN TO SOFT MUSIC 29 SQUISH WARM MUD BETWEEN YOUR TOES 30 KNEAD DOUGH 31 BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES 32 WORK OUT 33 READ THE COMICS 34 FINGER PAINT 35 TAKE A WALK 36 DRINK A WARM GLASS OF MILK 37 MAKE A PAPER CLIP CHAIN 38 TAKE A SHOWER 39 TALK TO YOUR PLANTS 40 RECITE NURSERY RHYMES 41 TEASE YOUR HAIR 42 FIGURE OUT WHAT TIME IT IS IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD 43 DRAW A PICTURE 44 SKIP ROCKS INTO THE OCEAN 45 DO ORIGAMI 46 WATCH CARTOONS 47 TALK TO CHILDREN 48 COUNT YOUR FRECKLES 49 PUNCH A PILLOW 50 TRY TO DETERMINE IF YOUR GENES ARE DOMINANT OR RECESSIVE 51 TRY SOMETHING NEW 52 TALK TO A FRIEND 53 LIE DOWN, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM 54 GET A MESSAGE 55 DANCE TO MUSIC 56 PLAY CARDS 57 SWAP A HUG 58 EAT HEALTHY 59 PEOPLE WATCH 60 THROW DARTS 61 VISIT THE SICK OR ELDERLY 62 WATCH CHILDREN PLAY 63 SWING ON A SWING 64 DRAW A PICTURE 65 EAT A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE 66 GO HIKING 67 GO SLEDDING 68 READ A POEM 69 PLAY A VIDEO GAME 70 GET A MAKEOVER 71 WRITE A CRAZY STORY 72 LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND TRY TO DRAW A SELF-PORTRAIT 73 CALL HOME 74 BUY FLOWERS FOR YOURSELF 75 EAT AN APPLE OR AN ORANGE 76 TAKE A LONG DRIVE IN THE COUNTRY 77 WHISTLE 78 START NEEDLEPOINT 79 ADD FOOD COLORING TO YOUR FOOD 80 FIND OUT HOW MANY LICKS IT TAKES TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP 81 LISTEN TO THE BIRDS 82 BAKE COOKIES 83 LEARN YOGA 84 BE YOURSELF 85 SURF THE NET 86 GO OUT FOR COFFEE 87 RENT A MOVIE 88 WRITE A LETTER 89 SING ALONG WITH YOUR FAVORITE SONG FROM THE EIGHTIES 90 RE-READ YOUR FAVORITE BOOK 91 START A COLLECTION 92 SEE A THEATRE SHOW 93 TAKE A DAY TRIP 94 GO TO THE BEACH 95 SURPRISE A FRIEND YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN A LONG TIME 96 BLOG 97 PAY A TOLL FOR THE PERSON BEHIND YOU 98 PLAN AN EXPENSIVE VACATION 99 SAVE FOR AN EXPENSIVE VACATION 100 GO ON YOUR EXPENSIVE VACATION 101 TAKE AN HOUR LONG BUBBLE BATH 102 HAVE A WATER BALLOON FIGHT WITH SOME FRIENDS 103 EAT CAKE 104 SMILE

interesting

2005-09-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(71% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(15% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Emotionally older

2005-09-26T11:07:00.000-04:00

Turning 28 has been an eye opener for me. It is a little interesting how the past month I have been asking myself a lot of questions about life and realizing I am an adult…and have been for a while. It is interesting to me. I have thought of myself as an adult for many years but this past month, for some reason, has brought it all home. I am an adult. What have I done with my life this far? Am I satisfied with it? Am I really ready to be starting a family of my own?

Birthday’s are always a time to contemplate life, but for some reason, I took that seriously this year. I have been evaluating how things are going, how much I tend to slack off sometimes, what has helped bring me to this point, and what has held me back from getting to this point sooner. I have been working through a lot of shit from the past in regards to being adopted and not necessarily having the best childhood but it seems to be helping. Finally being able to look at the big picture has made me happy. It is nice to be able to start to put the past in its place, and to work into the future with a better sense of who I am. Is this normal to be trying to figure out now? I don’t know. I guess I don’t really care since who knows what normal really is.

I am sure I could ramble more but time to be responsible and get some work done this morning. I have been on a roll thus far, don’t want to stop now.

Bzzz.reorg.

2005-09-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I woke up crabby this morning. Went to bed with too much on my mind, woke up with even more running through my head. Crabbed my way in on the train, not really wanting to talk about anything. Walked down Charles Street instead of through the Common and as I got to the Public Gardens, I thought to myself, what am I doing? Where the hell am I going? Why am I wasting even more time in life?

I walked around the pond, enjoying the sun bouncing off the water, taking my time to enjoy the sights like I had been doing up until a months or so ago. I just realized I have been worrying so much about everything, the house, work, being able to legally stay married, that it all has gone by and yet again, it is almost fall and what I accomplished this summer? Have I been busy? Yes. Have I enjoyed myself? Some. Have I gained weight? Yes. What does it all add up to? Nothing.

I want to stop and smell the roses but it is almost as if I need to plan to do it. It is hard how conscious you have to be of what is going on in life in order to make sure you appreciate it and enjoy it. I took a three day weekend this past weekend and it was nice, not doing much but not spending the entire weekend watching tv. It was productive, not as much as I wanted but it was nice. Here it Monday again and my brain wont turn off to relax for a minute. How do I stop it? Well, I am blogging this morning. Maybe if I get more stuff down instead of just ignoring it, that might help. We shall see.

I guess I am in the midst of one of those moments where I have to clear something out of my head. Do a little house keeping and reorder the priorities. The hard part is trying to figure out what they are. House renovations, baby, job, vacation….I am sure it goes on and on. The question is where to start and where to stop. I feel like it is not a bad start this morning, let’s see if I can keep it up.

It is dead!

2005-09-14T15:33:00.000-04:00

The amendement to amend the state constitution in Mass. is dead! Lawmakers just voted at the consitutional convention, 157-39 to NOT pass it. Happy day in Mass.

Yeah!

Thoughts

2005-08-31T14:26:00.000-04:00

I don;t really kow what to write about but I know I have to get something down, or else, why do I have this blog. things have been really hectic lately between the family/baby issues, digging the the past, reading Harry Potter, trying to get some house work done, four weddings, a birthday party, changes at work...and that is not even taking into account the visit from the brother and anniversary party in September. Not to mention the birthday. Few. That was a mouthful.

So where to begin. It seems funny to be thinking about life and how weird it is to be married, own a home, and working towards a family at 28. I can't believe it. And then something happens, like the hurrican and non of it matters. My heart goes out to all the people down south who are homeless, and how itmay have not been as bad if not for all the buricratic bullshit from the politicos. (why did it take Bush 3 days to address the issues? Cake anyone?)

Sometimes it takes a moment like this week to sit back and think abotu how lucky we are. I know it is a little bit of a cliche to sit here, writing the same thing in a blog, but it does make you think. What is important? Keeping yourself happy and helping others seem to be a start. The problem is how to figure out how to do that......I am sure we will manage. For now, I am going to forget about it for another few hours and get some work done.

Wow

2005-07-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

Been super busy at work. Sorry for the lack of posts. I know, it stinks for me at least.

Heading to Missouri next week for a work thing. Any advice for ANYTHING to do in Jefferson City?

Working away

2005-07-11T08:43:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have not posted recently. It seems like I read that line in a lot of blogs but when it rings true, I guess it rings true. I have been busy working btoh at work and at home. I have also been trying to fix some of the blog issues.

At work, I am working on taking over one of the largets projects for the company--the problem? It is a means to get more money but that may not materialize for awhile even though it is more work and potentially more time. What is one to do?

At home Ihave been trying to get some of the mega list of projects done. We have finally painted the front steps we built earlier this year which is nice but we have not been able to finish the fton hall because I cnanot seem to find the black and white tiles I have been searching for. The garden? Egad! the weeds have taken over with all the rain we ahve had and wile eveything is nice and green, you cannot tell we mulched earlier this year. It stinks.

trying to work on the baby thing as well even though the time put in is long and hard. the invasion of provacy is so intense that ti takes a while to get over.

As for the blog, I am astill trying to figure out how to link to other posts and how to post pictures but have not had a lot of time or patience to figure it out.

That is about it for a Monday morning. Sorry there is not more to say and anything more interesting. With all the political messes out there, you would think something would come up but I don't want to get started on that.....

William 5(f)

2005-07-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

Here is another small section of this ongoing story. I ams till not sure where it is going or if I should continue....I will just because I am curious. Let me know your thoguhts and donj't forget about the other sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. Have a happy Fourth.

"Hey Joel, it’s me. Just wanted to make sure you got home okay. Call me when you get this. Love you."
"End of Message. To delete—Beep. Your message has been deleted. To go to the--beep, Goodbye."

Joel sat back down on the couch, feeling fuzzy. Did I drink that much last night? He dialed a number of his phone and waited while it rang.

"This is Jacqui."
"It’s me. I made it home."
"Hi, why didn’t you pick up? I was worried when you did not call."
"If you were worried, why didn’t you call last night?"
"You didn’t answer my—"
"You call woke me up. I fell asleep on the couch."
"Oh. I was afraid to wake you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Just feeling fuzzy, that’s all. I am going to take a shower and I’ll see you later."
"Okay. Love ya."
"Me too."

Joel clicked the phone shut and sat there, trying to remember the nights events, and his dream. The cold sweat he had awoke in concerned him and the vague thoughts of the naked man next door kept retuning. He was curious about him, how he got the bruises all over his body. There were so many and he seemed to walk with a limp. Why am I thinking about this guy? Dude, what is wrong with me? But nothing was wrong. He was not looking at him that way. He felt bad for the guy. A brief thought came to him, maybe the dream and the guy were connected. He could not recall the dream but knew he had been terrified and had been running from something. A shiver hit his spine, jolting him back into reality.

He walked into his bedroom and stripped naked. Continuing into the bathroom, he turned on the light and fan, moved to the shower and started the water. Waiting for the cold water to leave the pipes, he grabbed his toothbrush to get the scummy feeling out of his mouth. Standing in the small room, bad light from above, he glances down and notices a purplish blotch on his side, just under his left nipple. It was a bruise.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Soundbites

2005-06-28T08:58:00.000-04:00

I am not sure what to think of ongoing politics between politicians and the media’s inability to report accurately on it. At this point in time, I am almost embarrassed to call myself a democrat the way we have been at each others throats it seems. We have no back bone to support others (Durbin) including Howard Dean, the head of the Democratic Party. There was a reason he was elected to that seat because he had something new to say and could stir up the base. But it seems like some have forgotten about the base and distance themselves instead of supporting him. Do republicans bash Bush (other than recently)?

And why have the democrats not said more about Rove, and McClellan, and DeLay talking about how Democrats do not understand September 11. Iraq is NOT ABOUT September 11 and THAT is the point. The Democrats need to push that Iraq is a sidestep away from the war on terror. Al Queda is at least as strong as it was before.

And why has the media gone to sound bites that do not talk about anything? Why is it that when we have audio proof of contradictory statements do they not play them and talk about them and confront about them?

Sorry, small rant. I am off the soap box. It is just so aggravating.

ramble...baby...ramble...house

2005-06-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

So we are discussing baby again and it just makes me think…what the hell am I doing? It scares the hell out of me to be thinking that we will be responsible for another life. How will we find the time? I know it will all work out but flipping out I think is part of the process….I hope.

We have narrowed down the agency search to two agencies and are trying to figure out when to start the home study. The thought of the home study scares us a little and I am not sure I am ready to dig that far into my subconscious to figure out what makes me tick…which is what it seems like we have to do. To air out ALL the dirty laundry as some would say…I guess I would to since I just did.

On another note, we have finally finished the front step rebuild (we started in April) and have finally started painting. Another couple of afternoons after work and we can cross this project off the list. Thank god. We have too many projects to handle as it is so crossing one off is a big accomplishment.

And on the topic of home improvements, has anyone seen the new show on TLC, called “Property Ladder?” It is about people who buy houses, renovate quickly and “flip” it to make a quick profit. The show makes me laugh. We have done enough remodel/renovate ourselves that I think we would do a pretty good job and figuring out what can stay, what needs to be renovated, and turning it around relatively quickly. The problem? Boston’s real estate prices are WAY too high. We cannot afford to buy the house to flip it…or the condo for that matter. Alas, there goes the quick money scheme. Baby takes priority…although that costs money too. It all comes back to money. I hate that.

I did not really think this was going to be such a bitch/ramble this morning but I guess something is better than nothing. More soon.

Heat up

2005-06-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

It has been so hot here in Boston. While it has been nice, the humidity is what I do not like. So we went from having too much rain to too much heat, which makes it very hard to get any yard work done.

I did however get a little writing done and I am working on cleaning up the next installment of William which I will hopefully get up later this week.

Work has been a bore. I have been trying week after week to get motivated to push for more to do, to be more proactive, but alas, I just have no energy to do it. This is not good. I have been this way since almost the time I started this job. Part of it is I am not sure where or what I want to be doing in life. It sucks.

I did have some fun this weekend. Our Pride consisted of staying in the air conditioning and drinking frozen margaritas. Very nice. Sunday we spent a lot of time looking at and pricing cabinets for the kitchen. While it wont be remodled for a LONG time it seems, it is nice to plan and now I have a better idea of what we need to save to do it.

Working on loosing some weight and am down 4 pounds. Only another 16-21 to go. Few!

Kind of a lot in this one...shows you what my head is like this week.

hmm

2005-06-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

Got to love Blogger. I posted something the other day and now it is not here. Hmmm. Anyway, it was about Pride. I am not sure how I feel about it. I have been a very downer person lately. Down with Pride, What's the point?; down the democratic party: Let's spend out time bashing our own why don't we?; And down with the "liberal" media: What is that again about the Dowing Street Memo?

Maybe a relaxing weekend will help my mood.

William(f) 4

2005-05-31T08:48:00.000-04:00

A phone rings. Again. A third time rushes into his ears. Blinking, his dazed eyes clear as the last ring before voicemail echoes through the apartment. He rolls over, blinks a few more times to push the sleep from his eyes. The clock on the VCR says it is after 11. Wow, it has been a while since I have slept this late. He pushes himself into a sitting position. A dull thud pulls at the back of his eyes. Reaching over his right shoulder, he massages the hard knot behind his shoulder blade. He closes his eyes again and slowly puts his head back down on the arm of the couch, trying to wake up. Lying back down, he opened his eyes and glanced up at the sky outside the window. The reason for him being on the couch was quickly brought back into focus. His curiosity was peaked as to why the man was covered in bruises. Accident maybe? And why hadn’t he ever noticed him before? It seems off that the buildings were so close and he had not even noticed a light on in the building. Thinking about the night before brought back the nightmares he had suffered from all night. He hadn’t had dreams that vivid since he was a child. Someone was chasing him but he could not see any faces nor anyone from that matter. He knew he must run but from what?

He sighed. The urge to pee forced him up again. He glanced out the window and saw that a shade had been pulled. Shit. I was caught. Now he is going to think I am some pervert. Why am I stressing? I don’t even know who this guy is? He shuffled to the bathroom to relieve himself, grabbing the phone to check his messages as he went.

~ ~ ~

William stood in the shower, the water soothing any soreness that remained in his upper body. His ankle was still soar and he gingerly lifted his leg to wash his feet. As the water began turning cold, he got off and started toweling himself dry. A good night sleep had done him well. It was the first time in recent days he remembered sleeping through the night and not being awoken by a dream. Although at this point in time, it was hard to imagine in as a dream. He still had no clear recollection as to what had happened. Wiping the condensation from the mirror, he looked at his reflection. His face looked young again, although thinner, his eyes less sunken. The bruises on his chest were starting to yellow and fade. He was still too pale and his muscles looked smaller.

Walking into his room, he walked over to the window and let the sun dry the small beads of water that were left. It felt good, warm, safe. Opening his eyes, he glanced across into the apartment next door. A man was sleeping on the couch. Had he been watching me last night? William couldn’t remember exactly. Paranoia began to creep back up his spine, making the hairs on his neck stand on end. Pulling the shade, he turned and looked around the apartment and realized it had been days sine he had done much of anything. he walked over to his dresser and picked out a pair of white boxer briefs. Carefully he put one foot in, then the other, sliding them up over his legs and body. He adjusted himself and turned towards the couch. Strewn across the room were the clothes he had not had the energy to deal with. He picked up a pair of jeans and sniffed. They smelled clean enough to wear. He finished dressing and walked back into the bathroom. He winced as he lifted his arm to put on deodorant. The bristles of the toothbrush hurt his gums and he realized it had to have been at least a week since he last did it. The taste was soothing. His energy zapped, his slipped on some shoes and headed for the door, he needed food. Hmm, I am starved, he thought to himself. He opened the door and turned to look out the shaded window. His fears calmed but he wandered what the deal was with the sleeping man. He may just need to find out.

Walking into his room, he walked over to the window and let the sun dry the small beads of water that were left. It felt good, warm, safe. Opening his eyes, he glanced across into the apartment next door. A man was sleeping on the couch. Had he been watching me last night? William couldn’t remember exactly. Paranoia began to creep back up his spine, making the hairs on his neck stand on end. Pulling the shade, he turned and looked around the apartment and realized it had been days sine he had done much of anything. he walked over to his dresser and picked out a pair of white boxer briefs. Carefully he put one foot in, then the other, sliding them up over his legs and body. He adjusted himself and turned towards the couch. Strewn across the room were the clothes he had not had the energy to deal with. He picked up a pair of jeans and sniffed. They smelled clean enough to wear. He finished dressing and walked back into the bathroom. He winced as he lifted his arm to put on deodorant. The bristles of the toothbrush hurt his gums and he realized it had to have been at least a week since he last did it. The taste was soothing. His energy zapped, his slipped on some shoes and headed for the door, he needed food. Hmm, I am starved, he thought to himself. He opened the door and turned to look out the shaded window. His fears calmed but he wandered what the deal was with the sleeping man. He may just need to find out.

Lost in Transition

2005-05-25T08:31:00.000-04:00

Well, it finally happened. At some point yesterday, I lost my cell phone. Not a big loss since it was a basic free model when we signed up but ti is still annoying as hell. Now I have to remember who was in it and get there numbers again. Grr. I did go and get a new snazzy one last night (still basic but an upgrade) and am having issues trying to figure it all out...too many buttons, ways of doign things. my biggest issue is that if you enter more than one number for a person, then it adds there name twice instead of keeping it on a seperate line. AND every number has a speed dial. Pain in the ass but I am sure I'll get used to it.

New links

2005-05-23T10:54:00.000-04:00

A couple of new links added to the list. Freedom Camp has a lot to say about our country and about the state of affairs. Interesting read. Crash at twenty-something is a young guy in Vermont who has a writing style that sucks you in a little bit. Interesting stories both fictional and not. Check them out.

William (f) 3

2005-05-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

William turned towards the window, feeling coolness emanate from the glass, shivering in his now naked skin. Tears streaked his body, running over the bruises on his chest, down to his aching hips. Slowly he raised his head and glanced across the alley into another pair of eyes. He slowly turned off the light behind him. He moved over to the bed and curled up under the covers, slipping between the cool sheets and breathing lightly to not aggravate his ribs on his side. He thought of the people who were holding him hostage. The people who drove him to drink and try to forget the past were pounding at his subconscious. He was walking on a thin piece of glass that was about to fracture, cracks growing increasingly long, threatening to break and send his whole body falling into the past. Sleep took him quickly and surprisingly. His thoughts were cut short by a dreamless sleep.

~ ~ ~

A chill swept through him as he stood in the dark. He saw me, didn’t he? He looked right at me. Did it just not register? Exhaustion reached from the soft cushions to pull him down and he sat heavily. What am I doing? He was not ready to sleep but could not help himself. Sliding off his shoes, curiosity of what had happened to the man next door ran through his head. Already he wondered if he had actually seen what he had. No reaction from the other guy made him wonder if he was imagining it all. No drugs, no drinking. Why would I be hallucinating? He felt ashamed for watching but concern for this man he had never met or even noticed before. Dreams enveloped him before his eyes closed for the night, the lumpy couch pummeling his side as he curled up, running for his life.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Time and again

2005-05-20T08:46:00.000-04:00

Trying to figure out life again for what can only be the umpteenth time. Guess that happens. Sorry for the few who may actually read this blog, it has been some time.

So the vacation was nice. It reminded me of all that I miss about being in San Francisco. I love the whether, the people, the flowers, but alas, it is not home. Not that Boston is home either. Not only have I been trying to figure out my lifes path, I have been trying to figure out what home is. Not always easy but I am sure I'll get there someday.

Writing in general has been pretty slow. I try to work but I am just too lazy. Nothing ever happens because I get sucked into t.v. or the internet, or something, anything other than having to write. I hate it. Do I want to be a writer? What am I scared of? Well obviously it has to be with being good enough. But I often think I am better than some of the books I have read. Who knows.

I have started taking more photos now that we got a digital. It is fun but how many pictures of plants can you take? At least it is a little something that helps relieve the creative instinct. I am going to try and be better (deja vu) about writing here and elsewhere.

Other thoughts for the day: This government is driving me crazy. It is hard to be an activist and do something about it when the other side has the money. I try to speak up but it only seems to go so far. I do not understand why so many people are complesent with all that is going on in the world.

Just a little ramble this morning. Listening to Green Day and having a good morning thus far.

Off For Vacation

2005-05-03T08:11:00.000-04:00

This is bad. It is only Tuesday but I am so ready for vacation. Thursday night we fly to San Fran for 5 days to relax in the sun and fog and visit friends and drink wine, and relax. I am so looking forward to it.

Not too much going on besides work and baby on this end. We have spent the last couple of weeks trying to rebuild our front porch steps. It amazes us how we can do so much but cannot manage to cut a line. Oh well. It is almost done now and only a cuple of fights....okay, a two week long fight but that is besides the point.

Back to work now. I'll hopefully write more soon when we return. I need to get back into the whole writing thing again.

Thoughts by Music

2005-04-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes music plays too much into my memories. Sometime yesterday afternoon, Jann Arden’s “Insensitive” popped into my head. This morning I decided to listen to it. So I put in “Living Under June” and began listening. I was okay as I worked through some of the crap I have to get through until the song came on. It instantly brought me back 18 years to the second break-up of my first boyfriend. We dated for two years off and on. It is amazing how the heart never heals from some things.

Of course, I have also been trying to figure out why this song popped into my head to begin with. We have been in the process of building our front porch steps, which has been less than easy. We have been arguing, okay, fighting, but I cannot figure out why it is in my head. Could it be the bad meeting with the adoption agency #3? Could it be something else? Family? I am not sure.

Sometimes I feel there is too much to sort out and I do not know where to start. Today it is listening to sad, some may say cheesy, music. It helps I guess. We shall see where the afternoon takes me. For now, I am just writing nonsense.

Adoption

2005-04-25T08:40:00.000-04:00

One thing I have been trying to figure out over the last couple of weeks has to do with being adopted myself and how I feel about open adoption. It has been a tough internal question to answer. On one level, I can kind of see the importance in knowing. On the other, I have issues because mine was closed. I have tried to put myself in the position of being a child and trying to differentiate between birth and adoptive parents but because that wasn’t the case with me, it is obviously hard to do. It also brings up something that I thought I had dealt with: Do I want to know my birth mother/parents?

Growing up, I can remember being about 13 and asking my family at the time about finding my birthmother. As always, they said if I wanted, but it the topic was pretty much dropped. I may have gone to a therapist for a couple of sessions but that was it. Who knew that within a year I would on my way to be with a new family and it would all change.

Since then, I have often wondered about my heritage or medical history just to know. Holding a grudge against my birth family has stopped me from wanting more information than that. Finally having a doctor tell me that being adopted is not a bad thing and that he would test for things sooner than if they knew it ran in the family finally convinced me that it was not a big deal. It was no longer important to me because I have a family now and that is what matters.

I guess what I like about open adoption is it starts to take away to stigma I had felt about being adopted. The late 70’s was still a time were pregnant teenagers were sent away to have the child because it was a bad thing. I was most likely wisked away quickly before anything could change. While my family was very upfront about being adopted, I was too young to know what it was. Once I realized it, it was hard to come to terms with, especially without any guidance. Growing up without knowing the history was hard in school because I could not do the family tree projects…I had no tree. I had a different family. In meeting with different agencies, I have seen that families are working on this now. Open adoption lets there be a tree and I can see how that can be a good thing for the child. I know firsthand the experience of being lost and I think that can only help our child. While there is a lot to think about in terms of how to handle questions, I can work with that.

The point of this post is about knowing birthparents. Now that I have the ability to get my original birth certificate and have a name, I am not sure if it really matters. I want to know just to know, but part of me doesn’t want to know because I am mad. I am mad for not knowing the reasons why I was put up for adoption and still feel a sort of an abandonment because of it. Knowing is not going to change what happened in the past and I am not sure how big a deal it is. Of course my other concern is what if through some means my birth parents want to meet. How do I deal with that? I have the concern about being gay, and about being rejected again. Rejected is the wrong word, I understand that. I guess that would be one reason to try to find them. So I could know the reason and maybe forgive them. But forgive them for what? They had no idea what path lay ahead for me.

Obviously there is still a lot for me to work out with this, hence the new therapist. Not a bad thing as I see it ?. I am starting to see the importance of an open adoption and while I still have the same fears about changing minds or issues with the adoption, I think it is important to at least know the facts about where our child is coming from. Does it mean I am going to find out about mine? Maybe, maybe not. I have printed out the form and it is just waiting for the $12 check. I don’t know if I am ready to find out whatever information there is. Most likely, it is a name and that’s all. Would I be disappointed with that? Would I need to continue the search? I don’t know. I guess the old cliché fits here, only time will tell.

Springtime

2005-04-19T10:34:00.000-04:00

springtime in the park

Well, this is as close as I have gotten to posting a picture. Oh well. I just cannot figure it out. I have tried flickr, I have tried hello. Nothing seems to work. Any help would be appreciated.

Politicos

2005-04-14T08:57:00.000-04:00

What a day, gay republicans coming out, civil unions with clauses, and outing.

It looks like all these amendments finally have some gay republicans realizing that these amendments are saying something bad about them. A legislator in Minnesota came out after he voted against that states marriage amendment stating that now it is out, we can concentrate on what really matters, health care, jobs, etc. Along with that, a mayor in a small town in Kansas came out as well, saying it was time, especially after that state passed an amendment.

I'll admit, I do not understand gay republicans. I can see the benefits for the fiscal conservative, but I cannot understand supporting a candidate that pushes for legislation to make you, as a GLBT person, a second-class citizen. I agree that we cannot be a one-issue voter but supporting a candidate who denies who you are on a core level seems crazy to me. Can someone explain it? It seems that if people came out and did not make a big deal about it, the more that happened, the more it would be accepted and the more they would be able to be republicans. I know this a naïve idea—too many people pushing their interpretations of things upon us—but what if we took the words to heart? Love thy neighbor, not Love they neighbor unless they are different than you; Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you, so it is okay for us to yell hateful things at them, glare when we walk past their houses, say mean things to their children. And how come what happens in my house is for public consumption but what happens in their house is a personal matter?

All this of course brings up public outing. I cannot say I disagree with it. While I think coming out is an extremely private issue, if you are publicly supporting candidates who oppose who you are on a core level, then yes, I think there is a much larger issue at hand. People should think about themselves and their families, not their political careers. There is too much shit happening in the world not to be true to your self and to push for tolerance, acceptance, so people can come out and have it not mean anything.

Connecticut just passed a civil unions law. Hooray for them! It is a great day when a state passes legislation on their own to try and make us equal....but wait, the house amended it to state marriage is between a man and a woman. So GLBT people, raise your head high as you may soon enter into a civil union but don't smile to big because we are going to get slapped in the face when you come in to apply for it. Yes, civil unions are better than nothing but since what we are looking for is the civil rights, why not make all marriages preformed by the state civil unions. Then there is not second class citizenship. Everyone is equal.

And I could go on to state my displeasure with HRC, (how much money goes into the states as opposed to your pockets?) but that will be a different post. But at least spring is here.

Agrivation

2005-04-13T14:46:00.000-04:00

Argh! I am so agrivated. All I want to do is try and concenrate on work but the only thing on my mind today is baby. My lack of concenration is nerve wracking. With any luck, we'll go home, get some groceries and maybe go to bed early. I just need to relax tonight. Maybe a tub is in order.

Vermont Agency could work....

2005-04-11T12:01:00.000-04:00

Well, the welcome weekend in Vermont went better than expected. It was nice to get out of our house and relax as well as to meet many other parents who are looking to adopt.

The 3 1/3 hour drive gave us plenty of time to talk about what we are looking for. The drive back was mainly filled with lots of discussion about what we can accept and what we can’t. Could we handle a mother who smoked throughout her pregnancy, if she does drugs, or doesn’t provide a medical history. The weekend brought up a lot we had no considered, which is a good thing.

One plus to the agency is that they are very forthcoming with information and blunt when it comes down to it. They talked about the good, the bad, the possibilities and were very good in not sugar coating everything, which we appreciated.

The weekend was good and bad for me. It brought up a lot of issues about being adopted myself and it has taken (and will continue to) a lot of soul searching in terms of preparing to work with a birthmother. When I think back to growing up, I can only remember one time when I wanted to find my birthmother and that was only a time when I was not that happy. Other than that, I have people that I considered family and am very happy with them. I still have lots of issues around family and what that means but I am starting to work on that.

Is open adoption right for us? It definitely scares us but after this weekend, I think we are ready to move forward with it. I think we have calmed our fears about having a birthparent involved at every step has been dulled, although it is still a concern. A large concern is also whether the birthfather is involved in the adoption process or not. As I am sure all adoptive parents feel, we are concerned that if both do not agree with the adoption that the birth father would come back and try to take the child. This weekend help assure us that the agency would do whatever they can to make sure this wouldn’t happen, and while it still could, I feel much better about it than I did.

Overall, we are not sure if this is “The” agency for us but it is definitely a possibility. We are hoping to make a decision in the next month or so if possible. I think we might try to get the home study out of the way or at least started. It is amazing how quickly these things can come. A few months ago, we realized surrogacy wasn’t going to work, and now we are well into finding an agency for adoption.

baby weekend

2005-04-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

Spring has sprung. The public gardens were beautiful this morning. They are filling the pond, the magnolia's are in bloom. Ahhh. Spring.

Well, the welcome weekend in Vermont went better than expected. It was nice to get out of our house and relax as well as to meet many other parents who are looking to adopt.

The 3 1/3 hour drive gave us plenty of time to talk about what we are looking for. The drive back was mainly filled with lots of discussion about what we can accept and what we can’t. Could we handle a mother who smoked throughout her pregnancy, if she does drugs, or doesn’t provide a medical history. The weekend brought up a lot we had no considered, which is a good thing.

One plus to the agency is that they are very forthcoming with information and blunt when it comes down to it. They talked about the good, the bad, the possibilities and were very good in not sugar coating everything, which we appreciated.

The weekend was good and bad for me. It brought up a lot of issues about being adopted myself and it has taken (and will continue to) a lot of soul searching in terms of preparing to work with a birthmother. When I think back to growing up, I can only remember one time when I wanted to find my birthmother and that was only a time when I was not that happy. Other than that, I have people that I considered family and am very happy with them. I still have lots of issues around family and what that means but I am starting to work on that.

Is open adoption right for us? It definitely scares us but after this weekend, I think we are ready to move forward with it. I think we have calmed our fears about having a birthparent involved at every step has been dulled, although it is still a concern. A large concern is also whether the birthfather is involved in the adoption process or not. As I am sure all adoptive parents feel, we are concerned that if both do not agree with the adoption that the birth father would come back and try to take the child. This weekend help assure us that the agency would do whatever they can to make sure this wouldn’t happen, and while it still could, I feel much better about it than I did.

Overall, we are not sure if this is “The” agency for us but it is definitely a possibility. We are hoping to make a decision in the next month or so if possible. I think we might try to get the home study out of the way or at least started. It is amazing how quickly these things can come. A few months ago, we realized surrogacy wasn’t going to work, and now we are well into finding an agency for adoption.

Frustration

2005-04-05T10:04:00.000-04:00

Argh. I am so freaking frustrated with myself. I came in this morning thinking I was in the right frame of mind to get some work done, to just sit down and get to it. Have I done anything in the hour and 45 minutes I have been here? No. I just cannot concentrate on getting anything done. I have searched for houses, looked at refinancing the mortgage, looked at some blogs, and some pictures of cute boys. I have thought about how I do not have any music to listen to at work today and how much that sucks. I have thought about writing and have tried to get something done but it is just not happening.

F$CK! I just wish I could figure out what is going on in my head and what I want to do in life. The list of things to do at the house is as always getting to me so much so that I cannot figure out which we have to do first. Throw on top of that, the job situation, and the baby, I don’t know what to concentrate on. Well, I do actually. That would be on getting my job done so I don’t loose it.

I just needed to vent, not that it is going to solve anything, nor that it is for anyone but me. Just to do it makes me feel better I guess. No, it doesn’t. Ok, time to just try and concentrate. Have to get something work related done don’t I?

small things...

2005-04-04T09:54:00.000-04:00

So last night I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and saw that my husband had put the glasses and left some dishes in the sink. So, I put them in the dishwasher. This caused the husband to laugh so hard that he had to spit halfway through brushing his teeth. See, this has become a new thing for me. I like to have the sink clear when I go to bed. It makes me feel better. I have also started unloading the dishwasher when I get up in the morning so we can put breakfast dishes in it.

So last night, it just started this laughing fit at my new found neroisis. It was kind fo funny, I have to admit. What is wrong with trying to keep the kitchen clean? I did not yell at him, I just did it.

We shall see how things continue. Maybe it will agrivate me if he cannot manage to put items in the dishwasher, maybe not. It is kind of like him leaving his shoes all over the house...I try to just let it go and move on. No sense in stressing all the time.

Speaking of time, I am off today thanks to the time change. It always takes a couple of days for me to get used to it. Last night I laid in bed for an hour until I fell asleep. Made for a hard rise this morning but I am here....

bad poetry

2005-03-29T08:36:00.000-05:00

I wanted to write this morning but all I got was some bad poetry. Here it is

Off Season

A quiet street with couples and singles leisurely window shopping
as the sun starts its decent at 3.
A quick breeze makes them cuddle closer to the one next to them.
No snow yet, but it will come.
This is the time where you get the chance to listen
to waves lap the beach on the harbor side
since there is no traffic to dull the senses.
And a dog barks further down as an owner throws a stick
and the dog brings it back.

Galleries open for the locals to browse the fine art
that grace the walls before heading off to a candlelit dinner
and warmed by the glow in the old fireplace.
Tasting all the food you have not had a chance to during the season,
being busy with the guests, chores, and guests a more.

Relaxing in the off season.
….

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

I am sure I will revise it soon because it is not that good. My head is not working as of late. Too much thinking about how to get ababy and bringing up many family issues that need to be dealt with at some point. Alas, what is life but trying to live in the present when we are too busy letting the past influence the future.....

William (f) 2

2005-03-24T15:01:00.000-05:00

The light caught his attention. He had just walked into his dark apartment and with his hand about to flick on a light, he noticed the dim light in the living room, cascading in through the window and down over the couch. He glanced out the window into the next apartment where a man was standing in front of a mirror. He had never realized how close his apartment building was to the one next, at least on this side. The front had views of the park, which always took the attention away from what was an apparently close building next door. He slowly dropped his hand away from the light switch as he realized the object in the light started slowly undressing, obviously unaware of the proximity of the closed windows. Dropping his keys onto the table next to the lamp, he slowly walked towards the window and stood there; mesmerized by the handsome form that was revealing itself next door. He felt guilty for watching as the man slowly lifted his right arm above his head and pealing of his long, grey t-shirt. He went to turn away but something grabbed his attention and held it. He let his legs fold as he settled into the cushions on the couch, but not moving his eyes. The slow striptease was not erotic in the least due to the pained look on the man’s face. Curiosity of what had happened held his attention.

Smooth pale skin appeared below the ribbing of the shirt, and more appeared to be covering a muscular back. A large bluish spot appeared to stretch around the right shoulder blade, and inched downwards but stopping before the butt. The reflection in the mirror revealed a similar shape in across the pectoral, stopping short of the little brown nipple. Quite the bruise he thought, watching the man inspect it, his fingertips lightly touching the different spots of colored skin. The man’s shoulder’s slumped and he glanced down at the floor, shifting his weight of his right ankle. The workout was evident in the body sculpted before him. His eyes scanned down the man’s body, passed the tan marks above and curved around his but, across strong thighs and calves, and down to the bruised ankle. That is why he shifted his weight, he thought. Intrigued, he glanced up the front of the man in the mirror, taking in the fuzzy legs, glancing at the sizeable equipment between his legs, and continuing passed the taught abs. He is thin. I wonder what happened to him? A streak across his chest glimmered in the light as the man turned and looked directly at him with his eyes full of tears. Even though he was in a darkened apartment, he was not sure if the man could see him. He sat still, meeting eyes as the man turned, winced as he raised his arm, and plunged his own apartment into darkness.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

William(f)

2005-03-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

William sat contemplating everything that came into his mind, most thoughts lasting seconds. Glancing out the window, he watched at the world feeling it stop on him only momentarily and then onto the next person. Seventy-two hours. He was now passed the hump, supposedly. It may have been out of his system but the craving was still there. All he wanted to do was pick up a cigarette. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. He could feel the smoke swirl into his lungs. He smiled and exhaled. He did this a few more times, which surprisingly took off the edge.

When he opened his eyes, the world outside came beckoning in. How much he wanted to be out there. Fear shivered up his spine. Something had changed but he didn’t know exactly what it was. He slowly rose from the window ledge. His muscles still ached from the accident. Slowly, the pain came back into his body as he struggled to keep himself standing.

Minutes seemed to pass until he began limping to the mirror and flicked on the light beside it. The harsh light temporarily blinded his still sensitive eyes. Slowly he began taking off his clothes until his was standing there, naked. He forced himself to look in the mirror, at the pale, bruised body that appeared before him. He was not the toned and tanned boy her remembered last glancing at. Hollow, sunken eyes peered back at him. Searching his memory for why he looked like this ended quickly. He could not remember the accident and the pain meds made his mind unable to focus. His shoulders sagged as he began to cry. He looked pathetic, now underweight, pale, and tears staining his cheek, streaking his black and blue face.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Bloc well in place

2005-03-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well it looks like the block is well in place. I have started a couple of paragraphs but never get much further and it is starting to piss me off. Part of me doesn't want to write, part of me says that is all I want to do. I feel like there are too many thoughts in my head and I cannot get them down. It is very agrivating. I know I just have to do it but it is just frustrating. This is the week though. Something will happen. I'll get something down. Maybe...I won't and then next week I'll be mad at myself again for not doing anything. The cycle continues.....

Main thoughts at the moment...writing, am I good enough? Design, should I pursue it? Baby, am I ready for one?

The Roomate(f) 2

2005-03-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

But I waited, feeling my aching balls swell and relax with each breath. Nerves begged me to leave but I didn't. Leaning over, I reached out and rubbed my fingertips over the extended fabric. Down the shaft and I grabbed hold, and squeezed gently. It was magic. I had to have it. But what if he wakes up? my mind raced while I slowly moved my hand back up and down his body. I knew what was coming but tried to talk myself out of it. One sleeping man for another I thought, smiling as I lowered my head and kneeled beside the bed. I leaned over and smelled his enticing aroma. I tied to stop myself before things got to far but I was passed the point of reason. Slowly, I began massaging his briefs, working myself hard and fast and to the brink. I stopped playing with myself and leaned in to kiss it. A small moan came from Ben's lips and I froze, my mouth wrapping around his hard on. His hand moved and I thought it was over. I couldn't see if he was awake but his hand brushed the back of my head, forcing me to open my mouth a little wider to make it around his girth. I was in heaven, tasting the cotton and feeling the warmth of him as it throbbed.

More to come.....

I continued to feel his hardness through his shorts. I reached his head and it jumped as if to say hi in greeting. My lips gently kissed the moist fabric. Licking my lips, I realized he must have been oozing precum through his shorts. Should I wake him up? I glanced up at his face still in shadows. My hand reached up and massaged his abs. I rose slowly and moved up to his face, my hand trailing down to his crotch, grabbing hold.

Our lips touched briefly, sending shivers down my spine. A soft moan escaped his lips and a smile crept across them. We kissed again, me wondering if I moved or he did. His tongue slid into my mouth and we wrestled for control over the other. Parting, I breathed heavily with lust.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Since you kissed me." he whispered.

"I'm sorry, I should be doing this." I said, frightened he might get mad. His hand reached out and stopped by backwards movement by grabbing onto my seven and a half inches. He pulled me back towards him.

"Where are you going? Aren't you going to finish this?"

"You had that before I...."

"I was dreaming about this naked hunk standing in my doorway." Confusion spread across my face. He pulled me down and onto his bed. Rolling over and kissing me. I was at a loss of what to do but let my body figure it out. He slowly kissed down my body, biting at my erect nipple, making me moan with pleasure. His tongue circled my belly button and made his way down. He took my head into his mouth and started bobbing up and down, taking the entire length into his mouth. I thought I was going to loose it right there and stiffened up. He stopped and glanced up at me. He laughed and said "well aren't you mister speedy?"

He slowly moved and straddled my chest. His warmth coming through his legs and sending tingles wherever our skin touched. I stared down at his open boxer fly. "This is what you wanted isn't it?" He pulled himself out and stroked it a few times. Not being much light, I still could not see but it looked large. When he held it against his hard abs, his head came within to the hairs of his belly button. He lowered it and pressed his head between my lips. I eagerly started sucking on it, licking up and down the shaft as best I could. He put his hands on the wall above my head and raised his body into a push-up position. Laying my head on the pillow, he started to slowly slide his cock in and out of my mouth. I reached back and grabbed his ass, hungrily taking as much as I could. I pulled down his boxers, feeling his firm ass in my hands. His boxers got stuck on the base of his shaft but I eagerly sucked away. A moan escaped his lips and I felt his balls tighten as he lost control. I swallowed as much as I could before letting it run down the sides, his boxers soaking up the overflow.

Breathing heavy, he looked up and smiled.
“Round One goes to me. Are you ready for Round Two?”
“Do you have to ask?” I smiled back.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

To read Part 1, see the December archive. I am still working on adding links to the past archives...

interesting

2005-03-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Visit create your own personalized map of the USA

changes....

2005-03-11T08:15:00.000-05:00

So I think this blog may be taking on a different type of feel than I originally thought but it seems that is what blogs do. Today, again about babies. I am beginning to FREAK OUT! This mornings commuting conversation was about day care and how we are going to handle the first few months. It is crazy to think about but husband is right that they will ask during the home study and we should think about it.

We have our first meeting on Monday with an agency to get us started and to figure out which way we want to lead, privtae infant adoption, DSS (Department of Social Services), open adoption, or international. I think we are leaning more towards either a private or open adoption at this point. It is far off from the surrogacy we had been thinking about but alas, I think we are finally okay with that.

My only problem with adoptiing is I feel guilty about adopting an infant when there are so many other kids out there that are slightly older that need help to. Being adopted myself, I can't help but think about them (that is another time for that story though). We may adopt one of those at a later point but having been around infants, we nkow how important that first year is....it still doesn't help.

Maybe writing about this process will help ease my fears and concerns as well as keep me writing. We shall see. Time to check my email and get back to freaking out.

Baby time

2005-03-08T09:08:00.000-05:00

SO of course, we have been consentraighting more on baby as of late. We have an appointment with an agency in Vermont for a Welcome weekend in April and have a Getting to Know You meeting with an agency in Cambridge on Monday. This is just crazy to me. I guess there is just too much going on and I am trying to juggle it all. This week, I am feeling pretty good about it...we shall see how long it goes.

Havingt a baby is exciting to me but it just makes me wonder if we (or I) can handle it...the diapers, the being up all night, I just don't know. This last weekend we had two of our neices (2 and 1) for a few hours. We handled it well and they were fairly well behaved but we were able to hand them back. Am I sure we want to do this?

Of course the other issue is I would like a boy but the husband would just like a baby. I am not sure why I want a boy--partially because we have so many neices it isn't funny. But other than that, I guess I don't really care. I am also not sure if we should go for a baby or a todler...while having a baby would be nice, there are just so many other kids that need loving parents that it makes me feel a little guilty.

And then of course there is whether we want to do inter-racial. We have talked about it and feel that the kid is going to have enough to worry about with two dads, but it would not bother either of us I don't think. Just another question to add to the list.

In trying to figure out what to do for work, I have been creating lists about design projects for the house...some easy, some not. But then I realized this past weekend that again, i may never get done some of the things I want because we may have to move for a better school system. I know, one step at a time, but I don't want to put too much money into the house if we are not going to be there for awhile. Then again, I want to be happy in the home. What are we getting ourselves into?

Habits...

2005-03-08T08:57:00.000-05:00

So I have had a good week so far in at least making a list of all the projects that I have at home to do....it is a start. Now if I can just get the money together to start doing them. I am in a weird place right now. I have some energy to get some things done but I have not done any of them...I guess I just need to force myself to do it, finish at least one project, before this fades, else I fall easily back into the old habit.

Back to the gym tonight despite the rain/snow mix we are expecting. Last Monday was our first night back at the gym since we returned from Africa and it was short lived. While I have to say I am glad the gym is going well (it is close to the house so I don't want it to close), I am not amused at the fullness of it. I have two major complaints, one is the cleanliness; it has continued to go downhill over the last few months (people not whipping down the machines (even though they provide towels and spray) and the oder has started getting bad. The way they have chosen to deal with the order, is to open the front doors and the emergency exit to create a breeze and suck the bad air out....it is WINTER folks and I do not wish to freeze my balls off on the bike or arctrainer while I am trying to work out. If I wanted that, I would go for a run outside.

The second issue is the people. Our gym has been innondated and while we used to be able to go and get our workout done relatively fast (an hour to an hour and a half), I do not feel that it is okay to have to wait around for a cardio machine after I have warmed up. Not much use in doing it if you cool down before you get on the bike is there? Hopefully tonight will be better and I'll actually be able to work out tonight. If not, I am not sure what I am going to do.

directions in baby steps

2005-03-02T08:16:00.000-05:00

On my commute this morning, a friend and I were talking about what is going on in our lives and it got me thinking about all the things that have been running through my head as of late. Once we parted ways, it kind of struck me how out of sink I have been lately and in how many directions my head has been going in.

How do we live life? Do we live in the past? How do we decide what to concentrate on and what is important at this point in time? I guess part of it stems from lunch yesterday when one of my co-workers mentioned that she thinks we are all fated into our lives and if it is meant to be, it is. I guess I kind of feel that way but being what some would say as a stubborn Virgo, of course I have to question why.

So, here I am, writing about directions. Being adopted and talking about having a family of my own always leads to thinking about the past and how it has influenced me…even when it is not so simple to figure out. But living too much in the past makes me think about the future and what I am not doing. Is living life just working while dreaming about what we would want to be doing r is it doing something about it and doing what we are dreaming? Of course it all gets compounded by actually living in the now and talking about having a family and moving into the direction of having a baby. Am I ready for that? Should I be concentrating on a career? If so, which one? I feel like I do not get to be creative enough in my current job but I am too afraid to make a jump into something else I would want to do…writer, designer, open up our cookie business full time, and of course, a bed and breakfast. All of this is compounded by the price it might cost to go back to school for some of these items.

I guess I need to figure out which direction I am leaning. In talking this morning, my friend mentioned it is all about baby steps. If you think too much about the big picture, you won’t get anywhere. We have taken the first step into starting out family and have a meeting with an agency to discuss possible options. I guess now I need to figure out which direction I want my career to take.

I started this blog as a means to help me to write something everyday. Obviously that has not been the case thus far. My problem with writing is I never feel I am good enough. My concern is that I will carry this to whatever profession I strike out to do next. I think I want to look into design a little more (interior design). I am really interested in it and always have ideas for our houses but never do them because alas…money. I have some small ideas and it is time to put my mind to use and come up with them so I can at least start a portfolio of some work. There is an interior design firm down the street from my office and I always think about going in and talking with them about the field but never have the courage and just think it is silly of me to do so. Maybe one of these days I’ll use my balls and go do it. I guess it gets my foot in the door.

We shall see where the day takes me now. Starting out this philosophical can sometimes be bad, sometimes a motivator.

politicos

2005-02-24T10:28:00.000-05:00

Being in a fairly libral state, it is sometimes frustraighting when you cannot help canidates running against people who have different political views or are pushing a hidden agenda. Since that is the case, I will add a link to spport a canidate running against Santorum in Penn. Please visit http://www.chuck2006.com and rememebr to support canidiates who support your issues and views.

Relaxation at its finest

2005-02-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

Peaceful drops filter through the air and
collect against the soft grass that
caresses your feet.
Warmth blows quietly through the branches of the oak at your back.
Words breath into life as this summer afternoon turns dark
as we slip into the world at our fingertips.

Something stirs the imagination
causing the heart to jump, and the pulse to race.
Peace comes only to be lifted again into
the passions that follow through to the last page.
And we close with a feeling of completion and
satisfaction.

Rest enters our still bodies. A calm soothing feeling
we seem to be all too willing to forgo
‘cause soon we stand and walk back into life
with the rush to deadlines and the lack of time
and we are the cause of the roses wilting in the yard.
Iris’s bloom and are forgotten,
the picture just a memory in the head.

And we wonder if we will ever get back

the time to sit, and enjoy.

Quiet, peaceful.

Relaxation at its finest.

Just another Monday

2005-02-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

So here it is Monday again. I did not get as much writing done this weekend as I would have hoped I would but what can I do...stop procrastinating I guess. I should be able to post something again soon as I am working on a short story and it is almost complete, although rough. I have decided some of my writing has gotten a little similar so I am going to work on changing it up a bit if I can.

It snowed this weekend, which is always nice. It makes everything clean and white, at least for a few hours. until the dirt creeps in or it starts to melt and it is less fluffy and pure.

Still discussing baby thoughts on this end and I just cannot decide if I am ready for it. To be honest, the thought freaks me out a litte bit. So may things I want to do but I also don't want to wait forever. I am sure it will come but until that time, I'll just keep plugging along.

I was suprised to see my first comment on the blog this morning when I checked in. Who'd have thought?

Work Crush

2005-02-17T14:34:00.000-05:00

"I have the biggest crush on him! He is so cute and tall, and smart. I smile when I think of him and get all giggly. But I am married! What am I feeling this way? Are crushes okay?" one of my co-workers just told me over lunch. She went on and on about one of our other co-workers, who is very atractive, but she is feeling guily because of it. She does not know what to say. I was not sure how to repsond. She is married and does not know what to do...well, she is not going to do anything but it is weird to have a crush one someone you can't have. What would you do in this situation?

I told her it is a crush, she'll get over it and all will be fine. But what do you do in this case? Hmmmm.

sporatic at best

2005-02-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

So I guess the best way to discribe my writing here is sprotatic. While I would like to think that I started this to keep me writing daily, it has been far from the truth...of the matter at least. What am I to do? Stop procrastinating I guess.

Part of the issue is trying to figure out what I am doing I guess. Is this a journal? A place to put up some stories? Why am I doing this? to start off, I guess my thought had been for writing and posting stories and such. But now I kind of feel that as long as I take the time to write something....that is better than nothing. And at this point, it is not like anyone is actually reading it so realistically, it is a place just to put down my thoughts.

Oh well, I guess we shall just continue and see where it takes me.

Speaking of which, I came across a blog of a guy in San Francisco that take great photos. Thought I would pass the info along:don't touch my food.

I have also been visiting :towleroad. for a daily does of what is happening in the world. Very interesting stuff.

we survived

2005-02-16T15:36:00.000-05:00

So we survived Africa. What a whirlwind of a trip but it was completely crazy and enjoyable. I want to go back. It was one of the most incredible things Ihave ever done in my life. I cannot believe we actually hiked a mountain in Africa. The scenery was something out of the movies. I don;t have time to discibe it all right now but will soon.

The problem with a trip like that is it reminds you of all the places you have ever wanted to go and just don't have the time or money to do it. Anyway, just wanted to say hello. Some pics shortly. Now onto the next big adventure....babies.

36 hours and counting

2005-01-17T09:49:00.000-05:00

Okay,

Here I go. Last blog before Africa. Maybe I'll write something while on the plane since it will take almost 24 hours to get there....granted it is a 6 hour flight to London, 2 hour layover, 8 hour flight to Niarobi. So much time...drug me up baby, this is going to be a long one.

I am looking forward to the challenge but I am also scared out of my mind. Not just about going to Africa but about the climb...what the hell am I doing? This is crazy stuff. Anyway,, had a moment and now back to work...

Happy New Year

2005-01-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

So here we go again with the personal promises to better ourselves in some way and follow our dreams. Obviously I have not been doing that too well since this is my first writing in almost two weeks. So much for getting something started where I can write every day or whatever.

On to the plans. I know have less than two weeks before I leave for Africa and I am freaking out...well, not really. The nerves are starting to get to me a little and I have many concerns but I am still excited about it. It will be fun. Although the latest is I am not sure what I am going to eat. I do not eat beef or pork and being a third-world country, I have been warned countless times not to eat the veggies unless they are cooked and fruit only if it is peeled. Alas, I am sure it will all work out...as long as I don't get any bad things...YUCK!

Anyway, back to work for now. Just had a moment where I wanted to get something down.

Not much

2004-12-21T11:57:00.000-05:00

So okay, procrastinate all I can is my mantra today I guess. Too tired to write. Althoguh I can say that the new polls about the president are suprising since half this country just re-elected him... I don't get it. What has changed in peoples views about the terror alerts and the lack of leadership from the president that they are now waking up and seeing? Why not a month ago???

work

2004-12-20T14:35:00.001-05:00

So I have been having a little work problem recently. I have been sucked into theworld og blogging full force and have been spending way too much time reading about other peoples lives. Not sure if it is good that I am still getting my work done or bad because I am obviously doing it much faster.

It also makes me question what I am doing. Is this what I want to be doing in life? Who knows? It seems weird to always be questioning and to be working so much and not enjoying life. But then again, what is enjoying life? Why do we work...of course to make money to do things we want to do...seems like a vicious cycle to me.

hmmmm

2004-12-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

Four weeks from tomorrow and we leave for Africa. A group of family and friends are heading to Kilimanjaro for a nice winter hike....well, not so much a winters hike but 6 days of strenuous activity, sleeping in tents, not showering. Ick. Can we make it? I am getting nervous. We are doing the Machame Route (also our itinerary) which is a little less traveled and is suppose to have better views. It is in tents tough which may make it a little more interesting. I am excited to go as I think it will be a great adventure and a challenge. I have been reading many blogs about others trips and most have been positive, which does reassure me. It seems weird to think that we are going to climb the highest peak in Africa and they consider this a moderate hike.

At this point I keep going back and forth between excitement and nerves. The adventure and knowing that we are going someplace where they like to throw us in jail... At least it is a group of 10 so that is somewhat reassuring. Should be fun.

We have gotten all our shots, are applying for the visas, and are starting to get the list of what we need to buy. It is starting to freak me out a little.....

oh, and we need to finish Christmas shopping. Only a few more days.

The Roomate (f)

2004-12-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

The following is a little NC17 and is fiction. Fiction in this blog will be followed by (f) at the end of the entry from here on out. this is a rough draft of something somewhat fun....

This time I swear it's the last time. I can't take it. Men are such pigs and this one just fell asleep on me. Drunkin hoe. I thought for a minute about slapping the little bitch awake but that would not do me any good at the moment. I lifted myself off his still hard prick and let it fall onto his belly. I couldn't believe what was happening.

I had met this guy a month ago at the 19+ club called Tools. My friends and I had been there many times but this was the first time I decided to pick someone up...well dance with him at least. I saw him with his friends. He looked late twenties and lookded good in his jeans, and tight t-shirt. I could tell he worked out, which was more than I could say about my scawny little body. We made eye contact a couple of times as I danced and thrashed around the dance floor. I smiled and he walked over and joined me. We danced for an hour before he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. I could feel his package hit my upper butt and smiled. The hardness of his stomach against my back flet so good. Nerves took over and I glanced over my shoulder? Does he really want me? I haven't done this, what am I doing? I couldn't believe what was happening. I was so pre-occupied I missed his name but was brought back by the electrity that shot through my body as his toungue made contact with the rim of my ear. I turned and looked at him. We were still dancing so I just smiled. He mouthed something and I leaned in to hear.

"You live around here?", he whispered, his breath sending chills down my spine.
"I live in NH. Go to school down here and need a break so we came out. You?"
"Down the street."
"Cool". Cool? That was pretty lame, I thought to myself.

We ended up driving him home and he have me his number..and his name. A few weeks later, my friends and I decided to go out again. Being away from school sucked and this was the only releif we got all summer.

We drove down and I had called Tom to see if he wanted to go out. So we did. I was so nervious I almost had my friends come with me. But I didn't. He took me to all these bars and suprising to me, I got in without being carded, which was good since I was only twenty. We were having a good time until this. My first real date in college and the guy passes out. What should I do? I thought to myself, straddling this guy. His lean body slowly rising and falling with his rythmic breathing, tickling my balls. I look down and bounce my meat a little as it slowly starts to deflate back to normal. I didn't even have time to get off but this guy obviously didn't care about that.

Is this what all men are like? I sighed and rolled off his body and laid beside him in the silence. The air conditioner kicked on, blowing a cool stream against my naked skin.

It was not really the end of the world I told myself. His shaved chest was more of a turn off than a turn on. Stubble I don't mind on the face, but the chest? Would it be as bad if he had just shaved? or waxed? And he was much too old for me. Here I was, a young kid and he was eight years older. What was I thinking? Who knows. I'm pissed and horny as hell. I wonder if his roomate is still awake.

A smile krept across my face as I thought about that. I had met his roomate a few hours ago before I went out with this thing beside me. His roomates name was Ben. He was about 5'10" and looked pretty solid. Should I? I mean, I am still horny and this guy is obviously not going to give me what I want. Glancing down, I stroked my growing meat and let that do the thinking for me. What could it hurt? But I had to pee.

The bed creaked as I slowly stood. Glancing down at Tom, he stirred but did not wake up. I krept to his door and slowly opened it trying to be careful. My eyes had adjusted to the light but I krept slowly next door as this was not my house and I did not know the layout. I managed to make it passed Ben's door without looking and sat on the toilet and peed. I cleaned up as much as I could from my incomplete experience and flushed. I turned the light out and waited for my eyes to readjust. I walked over and couldn't help but look.

Ben's door was open and I could see his form lying in his bed. The street light cascaded over his body. He was lying on his stomach, facing me but his eyes were in shadows. He could tell by his breathing that he was sleeping. His back was smooth and musclular, leading down to the cutest bubble but I had ever seen. His boxer breifs were tight against it and follwed his form perfectly. His right leg was bent slightly, giving defination to his calf. He looked so peaceful. I toyed with the idea of going back to Tom and making him give me what I wanted. Go slap him awake and make him finish. But at the moment, I was in lust for Ben.

I was about to head back when movement from Ben on his bed so I froze. I thought I was caught, standing in the doorway with a semi-hard on, watching this adonis sleep. But he was just rolling over. I sighed but was able to see his full chest now. His defined pecs, smooth abs with just a hint of hair, leading down into his underware. He stretched out his leg, the muscles of his legs, breathing full in his skin. And I just stood there, looking at his package being shown through the folds on cloth that swaddled him. He must be having a good dream I thought because he was hard. I couldn't tell from the distance but it weaved up to the right, with the head hidden by shadows, making it look rather large. My body took over and I walked into the room. Dare I? I couldn't I thought but I was already standing by the edge of the bed. I just wanted to touch him, to hold him in my arms. I was in love with this guy that I had met for 5 minutes and just wanted to jump him.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Get Something Down

2004-12-16T10:37:00.000-05:00

Finish it.
Continue to follow the words until the last
key is hit.
Just one a day is the goal.
Something to keep the creative mind afloat.
To help lift the spirit
or bring it down.
To stop the procrastination
that creeps up from fear.

Some will be bad, face it.
Others may touch lives forever.
but you wont know unless you get it down.

So take 5, 10, or 30 to
creat,
explore, imagine,
the possibilties that lay
at your fingertips.
Close your eyes and relive,
change it, and moves on.
Just touch the keys and tap, tap, tap.

Even nothing is better than nothing.
Ramble through your mind
and let fate bring us into focus.
Use it,
that is what it is there for.

And with that,
you are complete.--10/03

Starting out...

2004-12-16T08:52:00.000-05:00

So here I am world. Ready to start telling everyone what the hell is going on in life. I recently started reading some blogs like www.peaeye.net, www.thecorky.com, and www.boysbriefs.com and just found it facinating and mildly interesting. As a writer, a million ideas started popping into my head about characters and how people relate to each other. The internet is an interesting place and now we can read about people who we have never met. It is all one big chapter in life that we are all part of. I started thinking about it and thought that what the hell, I'd give it a try.

I am a 27 year old married gay male living in Boston. I love Boston and have lived here for the past 9 years except for a one year stint in San Francisco. I mainly thought to start this blog as a means toshare my thoughts on life and to try to get out some of the creative energy that is stuck in me. I write, paint, and am starting on a new adventure in design....which is not my current job but I digress. Let's see how this goes.

I am planning for this blog to be taken in two parts, one as a live journal, another as a means to get some of my writing out there. We'll see how it goes. Until then, I'll keep trying to think of what to say.