Expanding Thoughts

Expanding wastelines

2005-12-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

Oh well,

It is that time of year, we are all super busy, eating way too much food, and trying to make sure our pants don't split...at least that is what I am doing. Work is super busy but I am hoping to do a real post soon since this is the one year anniversary month of the blog...not that I have been very good about posting, never mind about the point of the blog, which was to get me writing more. I do hope to start making more progress in this arena, even as i am getting more busy at work.

Starting with this post, Let's see what I can do for the next few weeks and we'll see if this continues.

Halloween

2005-10-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

So here it is Halloween and it has got us thinking about Trick-or-Treating and what we will do with our child. It is sad to think back that when we were children we walked around the neighborhood to every house and got pillowcases full of candy. Now, as adults, we live in a neighborhood and just manage to get a handfull of kids. Not that I blame parents for the lack of kids, why has society gotten so dangerous that this once fun activity is no more?

On top of it, a school in Massachusetts has just put a stop to all Halloween activities at school (one of the only safe places for it now a days) because we have become too PC. I understand the rationale behind the decision but what ever happened to letting kids be kids? Should kids get taught about diversity, religions, and other things that make us different? Of course. But shouldn't they also be taught to have fun, enjoy life, and be yourself?

Just thoughts to ponder on a Monday morning.

Happy Halloween.

Today

2005-10-10T10:23:00.000-04:00

Today is another day of cloudy skys and rain. Thank goodness we have not had as much rain as in southern NH. 11" in 24 hours. Ouch! We remained relatively dry despite the heavy rain here. No global warming huh?

Sunday nights have been tough as of the last month or so. I end up watching TV, lying in bed, just thinking and dredding about work. I am not sure why or if it is work per say. Sunday night rolls around and my head just starts up. I could be tired all day but come 7 o'clock, my brain clicks in all the things I did not get done this past weekend, all the things I want to do, what my day is going to be like at work....Last week the hubby had had enough and told me to relax. To enjoy what I have and not what I don't have. But sometimes it is more than that.

I feel like I have been rembling a lot lately. Thoughts flying in and out of my head faster than I can control them. What to do? Who knows. I am trying to take it one thing at a time but sometimes it just does not work. today is not too bad. Trying to get some work done and trying not too think about all I would prefer to be doing (or not doing--movies, couch, rainy weather). We shall see how the rest of the day goes.

On a better note, started WW again but have yet to shed any weight. Not much to go but enough to try and start shrinking the portion sizes again. Hopefully back to the gym this afternoon.

Something I need to do more

2005-10-03T09:07:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was preparing for another hectic week, my husband told me I was too stressed and need to relax. So with that in mind:
REDUCE YOUR STRESS
1 SNUGGLE WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER 2 LAUGH 3 DO A HANDSTAND 4 CRY 5 GO SKY DIVING 6 TAKE A NAP 7 MAKE A TO DO LIST 8 LOOK AT OLD PHOTO ALBUMS 9 COLOR IN A COLORING BOOK 10 MAKE SNOW ANGELS 11 SIT ON A ROCK AND BLOW BUBBLES 12 ROCK CLIMB 13 LIE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GRASSY MEADOW 14 PAINT A PICTURE 15 WATCH A DRYER SPIN 16 MAKE RICE KRISPIE TREATS 17 WATCH A SUNSET 18 GIVE A HUG 19 WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL 20 JUMP IN A LEAF PILE 21 RECEIVE A HUG 22 EAT M&MS 23 GIVE YOURSELF A FACIAL 24 WRITE DOWN TEN THINGS YOU ARE HAPPY ABOUT 25 SERENADE YOURSELF 26 TAKE A DEEP BREATH 27 STARE AT THE MOON 28 LISTEN TO SOFT MUSIC 29 SQUISH WARM MUD BETWEEN YOUR TOES 30 KNEAD DOUGH 31 BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES 32 WORK OUT 33 READ THE COMICS 34 FINGER PAINT 35 TAKE A WALK 36 DRINK A WARM GLASS OF MILK 37 MAKE A PAPER CLIP CHAIN 38 TAKE A SHOWER 39 TALK TO YOUR PLANTS 40 RECITE NURSERY RHYMES 41 TEASE YOUR HAIR 42 FIGURE OUT WHAT TIME IT IS IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD 43 DRAW A PICTURE 44 SKIP ROCKS INTO THE OCEAN 45 DO ORIGAMI 46 WATCH CARTOONS 47 TALK TO CHILDREN 48 COUNT YOUR FRECKLES 49 PUNCH A PILLOW 50 TRY TO DETERMINE IF YOUR GENES ARE DOMINANT OR RECESSIVE 51 TRY SOMETHING NEW 52 TALK TO A FRIEND 53 LIE DOWN, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM 54 GET A MESSAGE 55 DANCE TO MUSIC 56 PLAY CARDS 57 SWAP A HUG 58 EAT HEALTHY 59 PEOPLE WATCH 60 THROW DARTS 61 VISIT THE SICK OR ELDERLY 62 WATCH CHILDREN PLAY 63 SWING ON A SWING 64 DRAW A PICTURE 65 EAT A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE 66 GO HIKING 67 GO SLEDDING 68 READ A POEM 69 PLAY A VIDEO GAME 70 GET A MAKEOVER 71 WRITE A CRAZY STORY 72 LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND TRY TO DRAW A SELF-PORTRAIT 73 CALL HOME 74 BUY FLOWERS FOR YOURSELF 75 EAT AN APPLE OR AN ORANGE 76 TAKE A LONG DRIVE IN THE COUNTRY 77 WHISTLE 78 START NEEDLEPOINT 79 ADD FOOD COLORING TO YOUR FOOD 80 FIND OUT HOW MANY LICKS IT TAKES TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP 81 LISTEN TO THE BIRDS 82 BAKE COOKIES 83 LEARN YOGA 84 BE YOURSELF 85 SURF THE NET 86 GO OUT FOR COFFEE 87 RENT A MOVIE 88 WRITE A LETTER 89 SING ALONG WITH YOUR FAVORITE SONG FROM THE EIGHTIES 90 RE-READ YOUR FAVORITE BOOK 91 START A COLLECTION 92 SEE A THEATRE SHOW 93 TAKE A DAY TRIP 94 GO TO THE BEACH 95 SURPRISE A FRIEND YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN A LONG TIME 96 BLOG 97 PAY A TOLL FOR THE PERSON BEHIND YOU 98 PLAN AN EXPENSIVE VACATION 99 SAVE FOR AN EXPENSIVE VACATION 100 GO ON YOUR EXPENSIVE VACATION 101 TAKE AN HOUR LONG BUBBLE BATH 102 HAVE A WATER BALLOON FIGHT WITH SOME FRIENDS 103 EAT CAKE 104 SMILE

interesting

2005-09-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(71% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(15% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Emotionally older

2005-09-26T11:07:00.000-04:00

Turning 28 has been an eye opener for me. It is a little interesting how the past month I have been asking myself a lot of questions about life and realizing I am an adult…and have been for a while. It is interesting to me. I have thought of myself as an adult for many years but this past month, for some reason, has brought it all home. I am an adult. What have I done with my life this far? Am I satisfied with it? Am I really ready to be starting a family of my own?

Birthday’s are always a time to contemplate life, but for some reason, I took that seriously this year. I have been evaluating how things are going, how much I tend to slack off sometimes, what has helped bring me to this point, and what has held me back from getting to this point sooner. I have been working through a lot of shit from the past in regards to being adopted and not necessarily having the best childhood but it seems to be helping. Finally being able to look at the big picture has made me happy. It is nice to be able to start to put the past in its place, and to work into the future with a better sense of who I am. Is this normal to be trying to figure out now? I don’t know. I guess I don’t really care since who knows what normal really is.

I am sure I could ramble more but time to be responsible and get some work done this morning. I have been on a roll thus far, don’t want to stop now.

Bzzz.reorg.

2005-09-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I woke up crabby this morning. Went to bed with too much on my mind, woke up with even more running through my head. Crabbed my way in on the train, not really wanting to talk about anything. Walked down Charles Street instead of through the Common and as I got to the Public Gardens, I thought to myself, what am I doing? Where the hell am I going? Why am I wasting even more time in life?

I walked around the pond, enjoying the sun bouncing off the water, taking my time to enjoy the sights like I had been doing up until a months or so ago. I just realized I have been worrying so much about everything, the house, work, being able to legally stay married, that it all has gone by and yet again, it is almost fall and what I accomplished this summer? Have I been busy? Yes. Have I enjoyed myself? Some. Have I gained weight? Yes. What does it all add up to? Nothing.

I want to stop and smell the roses but it is almost as if I need to plan to do it. It is hard how conscious you have to be of what is going on in life in order to make sure you appreciate it and enjoy it. I took a three day weekend this past weekend and it was nice, not doing much but not spending the entire weekend watching tv. It was productive, not as much as I wanted but it was nice. Here it Monday again and my brain wont turn off to relax for a minute. How do I stop it? Well, I am blogging this morning. Maybe if I get more stuff down instead of just ignoring it, that might help. We shall see.

I guess I am in the midst of one of those moments where I have to clear something out of my head. Do a little house keeping and reorder the priorities. The hard part is trying to figure out what they are. House renovations, baby, job, vacation….I am sure it goes on and on. The question is where to start and where to stop. I feel like it is not a bad start this morning, let’s see if I can keep it up.

It is dead!

2005-09-14T15:33:00.000-04:00

The amendement to amend the state constitution in Mass. is dead! Lawmakers just voted at the consitutional convention, 157-39 to NOT pass it. Happy day in Mass.

Yeah!

Thoughts

2005-08-31T14:26:00.000-04:00

I don;t really kow what to write about but I know I have to get something down, or else, why do I have this blog. things have been really hectic lately between the family/baby issues, digging the the past, reading Harry Potter, trying to get some house work done, four weddings, a birthday party, changes at work...and that is not even taking into account the visit from the brother and anniversary party in September. Not to mention the birthday. Few. That was a mouthful.

So where to begin. It seems funny to be thinking about life and how weird it is to be married, own a home, and working towards a family at 28. I can't believe it. And then something happens, like the hurrican and non of it matters. My heart goes out to all the people down south who are homeless, and how itmay have not been as bad if not for all the buricratic bullshit from the politicos. (why did it take Bush 3 days to address the issues? Cake anyone?)

Sometimes it takes a moment like this week to sit back and think abotu how lucky we are. I know it is a little bit of a cliche to sit here, writing the same thing in a blog, but it does make you think. What is important? Keeping yourself happy and helping others seem to be a start. The problem is how to figure out how to do that......I am sure we will manage. For now, I am going to forget about it for another few hours and get some work done.

Wow

2005-07-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

Been super busy at work. Sorry for the lack of posts. I know, it stinks for me at least.

Heading to Missouri next week for a work thing. Any advice for ANYTHING to do in Jefferson City?

Working away

2005-07-11T08:43:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have not posted recently. It seems like I read that line in a lot of blogs but when it rings true, I guess it rings true. I have been busy working btoh at work and at home. I have also been trying to fix some of the blog issues.

At work, I am working on taking over one of the largets projects for the company--the problem? It is a means to get more money but that may not materialize for awhile even though it is more work and potentially more time. What is one to do?

At home Ihave been trying to get some of the mega list of projects done. We have finally painted the front steps we built earlier this year which is nice but we have not been able to finish the fton hall because I cnanot seem to find the black and white tiles I have been searching for. The garden? Egad! the weeds have taken over with all the rain we ahve had and wile eveything is nice and green, you cannot tell we mulched earlier this year. It stinks.

trying to work on the baby thing as well even though the time put in is long and hard. the invasion of provacy is so intense that ti takes a while to get over.

As for the blog, I am astill trying to figure out how to link to other posts and how to post pictures but have not had a lot of time or patience to figure it out.

That is about it for a Monday morning. Sorry there is not more to say and anything more interesting. With all the political messes out there, you would think something would come up but I don't want to get started on that.....

William 5(f)

2005-07-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

Here is another small section of this ongoing story. I ams till not sure where it is going or if I should continue....I will just because I am curious. Let me know your thoguhts and donj't forget about the other sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. Have a happy Fourth.

"Hey Joel, it’s me. Just wanted to make sure you got home okay. Call me when you get this. Love you."
"End of Message. To delete—Beep. Your message has been deleted. To go to the--beep, Goodbye."

Joel sat back down on the couch, feeling fuzzy. Did I drink that much last night? He dialed a number of his phone and waited while it rang.

"This is Jacqui."
"It’s me. I made it home."
"Hi, why didn’t you pick up? I was worried when you did not call."
"If you were worried, why didn’t you call last night?"
"You didn’t answer my—"
"You call woke me up. I fell asleep on the couch."
"Oh. I was afraid to wake you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Just feeling fuzzy, that’s all. I am going to take a shower and I’ll see you later."
"Okay. Love ya."
"Me too."

Joel clicked the phone shut and sat there, trying to remember the nights events, and his dream. The cold sweat he had awoke in concerned him and the vague thoughts of the naked man next door kept retuning. He was curious about him, how he got the bruises all over his body. There were so many and he seemed to walk with a limp. Why am I thinking about this guy? Dude, what is wrong with me? But nothing was wrong. He was not looking at him that way. He felt bad for the guy. A brief thought came to him, maybe the dream and the guy were connected. He could not recall the dream but knew he had been terrified and had been running from something. A shiver hit his spine, jolting him back into reality.

He walked into his bedroom and stripped naked. Continuing into the bathroom, he turned on the light and fan, moved to the shower and started the water. Waiting for the cold water to leave the pipes, he grabbed his toothbrush to get the scummy feeling out of his mouth. Standing in the small room, bad light from above, he glances down and notices a purplish blotch on his side, just under his left nipple. It was a bruise.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Soundbites

2005-06-28T08:58:00.000-04:00

I am not sure what to think of ongoing politics between politicians and the media’s inability to report accurately on it. At this point in time, I am almost embarrassed to call myself a democrat the way we have been at each others throats it seems. We have no back bone to support others (Durbin) including Howard Dean, the head of the Democratic Party. There was a reason he was elected to that seat because he had something new to say and could stir up the base. But it seems like some have forgotten about the base and distance themselves instead of supporting him. Do republicans bash Bush (other than recently)?

And why have the democrats not said more about Rove, and McClellan, and DeLay talking about how Democrats do not understand September 11. Iraq is NOT ABOUT September 11 and THAT is the point. The Democrats need to push that Iraq is a sidestep away from the war on terror. Al Queda is at least as strong as it was before.

And why has the media gone to sound bites that do not talk about anything? Why is it that when we have audio proof of contradictory statements do they not play them and talk about them and confront about them?

Sorry, small rant. I am off the soap box. It is just so aggravating.

ramble...baby...ramble...house

2005-06-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

So we are discussing baby again and it just makes me think…what the hell am I doing? It scares the hell out of me to be thinking that we will be responsible for another life. How will we find the time? I know it will all work out but flipping out I think is part of the process….I hope.

We have narrowed down the agency search to two agencies and are trying to figure out when to start the home study. The thought of the home study scares us a little and I am not sure I am ready to dig that far into my subconscious to figure out what makes me tick…which is what it seems like we have to do. To air out ALL the dirty laundry as some would say…I guess I would to since I just did.

On another note, we have finally finished the front step rebuild (we started in April) and have finally started painting. Another couple of afternoons after work and we can cross this project off the list. Thank god. We have too many projects to handle as it is so crossing one off is a big accomplishment.

And on the topic of home improvements, has anyone seen the new show on TLC, called “Property Ladder?” It is about people who buy houses, renovate quickly and “flip” it to make a quick profit. The show makes me laugh. We have done enough remodel/renovate ourselves that I think we would do a pretty good job and figuring out what can stay, what needs to be renovated, and turning it around relatively quickly. The problem? Boston’s real estate prices are WAY too high. We cannot afford to buy the house to flip it…or the condo for that matter. Alas, there goes the quick money scheme. Baby takes priority…although that costs money too. It all comes back to money. I hate that.

I did not really think this was going to be such a bitch/ramble this morning but I guess something is better than nothing. More soon.

Heat up

2005-06-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

It has been so hot here in Boston. While it has been nice, the humidity is what I do not like. So we went from having too much rain to too much heat, which makes it very hard to get any yard work done.

I did however get a little writing done and I am working on cleaning up the next installment of William which I will hopefully get up later this week.

Work has been a bore. I have been trying week after week to get motivated to push for more to do, to be more proactive, but alas, I just have no energy to do it. This is not good. I have been this way since almost the time I started this job. Part of it is I am not sure where or what I want to be doing in life. It sucks.

I did have some fun this weekend. Our Pride consisted of staying in the air conditioning and drinking frozen margaritas. Very nice. Sunday we spent a lot of time looking at and pricing cabinets for the kitchen. While it wont be remodled for a LONG time it seems, it is nice to plan and now I have a better idea of what we need to save to do it.

Working on loosing some weight and am down 4 pounds. Only another 16-21 to go. Few!

Kind of a lot in this one...shows you what my head is like this week.

hmm

2005-06-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

Got to love Blogger. I posted something the other day and now it is not here. Hmmm. Anyway, it was about Pride. I am not sure how I feel about it. I have been a very downer person lately. Down with Pride, What's the point?; down the democratic party: Let's spend out time bashing our own why don't we?; And down with the "liberal" media: What is that again about the Dowing Street Memo?

Maybe a relaxing weekend will help my mood.

William(f) 4

2005-05-31T08:48:00.000-04:00

A phone rings. Again. A third time rushes into his ears. Blinking, his dazed eyes clear as the last ring before voicemail echoes through the apartment. He rolls over, blinks a few more times to push the sleep from his eyes. The clock on the VCR says it is after 11. Wow, it has been a while since I have slept this late. He pushes himself into a sitting position. A dull thud pulls at the back of his eyes. Reaching over his right shoulder, he massages the hard knot behind his shoulder blade. He closes his eyes again and slowly puts his head back down on the arm of the couch, trying to wake up. Lying back down, he opened his eyes and glanced up at the sky outside the window. The reason for him being on the couch was quickly brought back into focus. His curiosity was peaked as to why the man was covered in bruises. Accident maybe? And why hadn’t he ever noticed him before? It seems off that the buildings were so close and he had not even noticed a light on in the building. Thinking about the night before brought back the nightmares he had suffered from all night. He hadn’t had dreams that vivid since he was a child. Someone was chasing him but he could not see any faces nor anyone from that matter. He knew he must run but from what?

He sighed. The urge to pee forced him up again. He glanced out the window and saw that a shade had been pulled. Shit. I was caught. Now he is going to think I am some pervert. Why am I stressing? I don’t even know who this guy is? He shuffled to the bathroom to relieve himself, grabbing the phone to check his messages as he went.

~ ~ ~

William stood in the shower, the water soothing any soreness that remained in his upper body. His ankle was still soar and he gingerly lifted his leg to wash his feet. As the water began turning cold, he got off and started toweling himself dry. A good night sleep had done him well. It was the first time in recent days he remembered sleeping through the night and not being awoken by a dream. Although at this point in time, it was hard to imagine in as a dream. He still had no clear recollection as to what had happened. Wiping the condensation from the mirror, he looked at his reflection. His face looked young again, although thinner, his eyes less sunken. The bruises on his chest were starting to yellow and fade. He was still too pale and his muscles looked smaller.

Walking into his room, he walked over to the window and let the sun dry the small beads of water that were left. It felt good, warm, safe. Opening his eyes, he glanced across into the apartment next door. A man was sleeping on the couch. Had he been watching me last night? William couldn’t remember exactly. Paranoia began to creep back up his spine, making the hairs on his neck stand on end. Pulling the shade, he turned and looked around the apartment and realized it had been days sine he had done much of anything. he walked over to his dresser and picked out a pair of white boxer briefs. Carefully he put one foot in, then the other, sliding them up over his legs and body. He adjusted himself and turned towards the couch. Strewn across the room were the clothes he had not had the energy to deal with. He picked up a pair of jeans and sniffed. They smelled clean enough to wear. He finished dressing and walked back into the bathroom. He winced as he lifted his arm to put on deodorant. The bristles of the toothbrush hurt his gums and he realized it had to have been at least a week since he last did it. The taste was soothing. His energy zapped, his slipped on some shoes and headed for the door, he needed food. Hmm, I am starved, he thought to himself. He opened the door and turned to look out the shaded window. His fears calmed but he wandered what the deal was with the sleeping man. He may just need to find out.

Walking into his room, he walked over to the window and let the sun dry the small beads of water that were left. It felt good, warm, safe. Opening his eyes, he glanced across into the apartment next door. A man was sleeping on the couch. Had he been watching me last night? William couldn’t remember exactly. Paranoia began to creep back up his spine, making the hairs on his neck stand on end. Pulling the shade, he turned and looked around the apartment and realized it had been days sine he had done much of anything. he walked over to his dresser and picked out a pair of white boxer briefs. Carefully he put one foot in, then the other, sliding them up over his legs and body. He adjusted himself and turned towards the couch. Strewn across the room were the clothes he had not had the energy to deal with. He picked up a pair of jeans and sniffed. They smelled clean enough to wear. He finished dressing and walked back into the bathroom. He winced as he lifted his arm to put on deodorant. The bristles of the toothbrush hurt his gums and he realized it had to have been at least a week since he last did it. The taste was soothing. His energy zapped, his slipped on some shoes and headed for the door, he needed food. Hmm, I am starved, he thought to himself. He opened the door and turned to look out the shaded window. His fears calmed but he wandered what the deal was with the sleeping man. He may just need to find out.

Lost in Transition

2005-05-25T08:31:00.000-04:00

Well, it finally happened. At some point yesterday, I lost my cell phone. Not a big loss since it was a basic free model when we signed up but ti is still annoying as hell. Now I have to remember who was in it and get there numbers again. Grr. I did go and get a new snazzy one last night (still basic but an upgrade) and am having issues trying to figure it all out...too many buttons, ways of doign things. my biggest issue is that if you enter more than one number for a person, then it adds there name twice instead of keeping it on a seperate line. AND every number has a speed dial. Pain in the ass but I am sure I'll get used to it.

New links

2005-05-23T10:54:00.000-04:00

A couple of new links added to the list. Freedom Camp has a lot to say about our country and about the state of affairs. Interesting read. Crash at twenty-something is a young guy in Vermont who has a writing style that sucks you in a little bit. Interesting stories both fictional and not. Check them out.

William (f) 3

2005-05-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

William turned towards the window, feeling coolness emanate from the glass, shivering in his now naked skin. Tears streaked his body, running over the bruises on his chest, down to his aching hips. Slowly he raised his head and glanced across the alley into another pair of eyes. He slowly turned off the light behind him. He moved over to the bed and curled up under the covers, slipping between the cool sheets and breathing lightly to not aggravate his ribs on his side. He thought of the people who were holding him hostage. The people who drove him to drink and try to forget the past were pounding at his subconscious. He was walking on a thin piece of glass that was about to fracture, cracks growing increasingly long, threatening to break and send his whole body falling into the past. Sleep took him quickly and surprisingly. His thoughts were cut short by a dreamless sleep.

~ ~ ~

A chill swept through him as he stood in the dark. He saw me, didn’t he? He looked right at me. Did it just not register? Exhaustion reached from the soft cushions to pull him down and he sat heavily. What am I doing? He was not ready to sleep but could not help himself. Sliding off his shoes, curiosity of what had happened to the man next door ran through his head. Already he wondered if he had actually seen what he had. No reaction from the other guy made him wonder if he was imagining it all. No drugs, no drinking. Why would I be hallucinating? He felt ashamed for watching but concern for this man he had never met or even noticed before. Dreams enveloped him before his eyes closed for the night, the lumpy couch pummeling his side as he curled up, running for his life.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Time and again

2005-05-20T08:46:00.000-04:00

Trying to figure out life again for what can only be the umpteenth time. Guess that happens. Sorry for the few who may actually read this blog, it has been some time.

So the vacation was nice. It reminded me of all that I miss about being in San Francisco. I love the whether, the people, the flowers, but alas, it is not home. Not that Boston is home either. Not only have I been trying to figure out my lifes path, I have been trying to figure out what home is. Not always easy but I am sure I'll get there someday.

Writing in general has been pretty slow. I try to work but I am just too lazy. Nothing ever happens because I get sucked into t.v. or the internet, or something, anything other than having to write. I hate it. Do I want to be a writer? What am I scared of? Well obviously it has to be with being good enough. But I often think I am better than some of the books I have read. Who knows.

I have started taking more photos now that we got a digital. It is fun but how many pictures of plants can you take? At least it is a little something that helps relieve the creative instinct. I am going to try and be better (deja vu) about writing here and elsewhere.

Other thoughts for the day: This government is driving me crazy. It is hard to be an activist and do something about it when the other side has the money. I try to speak up but it only seems to go so far. I do not understand why so many people are complesent with all that is going on in the world.

Just a little ramble this morning. Listening to Green Day and having a good morning thus far.

Off For Vacation

2005-05-03T08:11:00.000-04:00

This is bad. It is only Tuesday but I am so ready for vacation. Thursday night we fly to San Fran for 5 days to relax in the sun and fog and visit friends and drink wine, and relax. I am so looking forward to it.

Not too much going on besides work and baby on this end. We have spent the last couple of weeks trying to rebuild our front porch steps. It amazes us how we can do so much but cannot manage to cut a line. Oh well. It is almost done now and only a cuple of fights....okay, a two week long fight but that is besides the point.

Back to work now. I'll hopefully write more soon when we return. I need to get back into the whole writing thing again.

Thoughts by Music

2005-04-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes music plays too much into my memories. Sometime yesterday afternoon, Jann Arden’s “Insensitive” popped into my head. This morning I decided to listen to it. So I put in “Living Under June” and began listening. I was okay as I worked through some of the crap I have to get through until the song came on. It instantly brought me back 18 years to the second break-up of my first boyfriend. We dated for two years off and on. It is amazing how the heart never heals from some things.

Of course, I have also been trying to figure out why this song popped into my head to begin with. We have been in the process of building our front porch steps, which has been less than easy. We have been arguing, okay, fighting, but I cannot figure out why it is in my head. Could it be the bad meeting with the adoption agency #3? Could it be something else? Family? I am not sure.

Sometimes I feel there is too much to sort out and I do not know where to start. Today it is listening to sad, some may say cheesy, music. It helps I guess. We shall see where the afternoon takes me. For now, I am just writing nonsense.

Adoption

2005-04-25T08:40:00.000-04:00

One thing I have been trying to figure out over the last couple of weeks has to do with being adopted myself and how I feel about open adoption. It has been a tough internal question to answer. On one level, I can kind of see the importance in knowing. On the other, I have issues because mine was closed. I have tried to put myself in the position of being a child and trying to differentiate between birth and adoptive parents but because that wasn’t the case with me, it is obviously hard to do. It also brings up something that I thought I had dealt with: Do I want to know my birth mother/parents?

Growing up, I can remember being about 13 and asking my family at the time about finding my birthmother. As always, they said if I wanted, but it the topic was pretty much dropped. I may have gone to a therapist for a couple of sessions but that was it. Who knew that within a year I would on my way to be with a new family and it would all change.

Since then, I have often wondered about my heritage or medical history just to know. Holding a grudge against my birth family has stopped me from wanting more information than that. Finally having a doctor tell me that being adopted is not a bad thing and that he would test for things sooner than if they knew it ran in the family finally convinced me that it was not a big deal. It was no longer important to me because I have a family now and that is what matters.

I guess what I like about open adoption is it starts to take away to stigma I had felt about being adopted. The late 70’s was still a time were pregnant teenagers were sent away to have the child because it was a bad thing. I was most likely wisked away quickly before anything could change. While my family was very upfront about being adopted, I was too young to know what it was. Once I realized it, it was hard to come to terms with, especially without any guidance. Growing up without knowing the history was hard in school because I could not do the family tree projects…I had no tree. I had a different family. In meeting with different agencies, I have seen that families are working on this now. Open adoption lets there be a tree and I can see how that can be a good thing for the child. I know firsthand the experience of being lost and I think that can only help our child. While there is a lot to think about in terms of how to handle questions, I can work with that.

The point of this post is about knowing birthparents. Now that I have the ability to get my original birth certificate and have a name, I am not sure if it really matters. I want to know just to know, but part of me doesn’t want to know because I am mad. I am mad for not knowing the reasons why I was put up for adoption and still feel a sort of an abandonment because of it. Knowing is not going to change what happened in the past and I am not sure how big a deal it is. Of course my other concern is what if through some means my birth parents want to meet. How do I deal with that? I have the concern about being gay, and about being rejected again. Rejected is the wrong word, I understand that. I guess that would be one reason to try to find them. So I could know the reason and maybe forgive them. But forgive them for what? They had no idea what path lay ahead for me.

Obviously there is still a lot for me to work out with this, hence the new therapist. Not a bad thing as I see it ?. I am starting to see the importance of an open adoption and while I still have the same fears about changing minds or issues with the adoption, I think it is important to at least know the facts about where our child is coming from. Does it mean I am going to find out about mine? Maybe, maybe not. I have printed out the form and it is just waiting for the $12 check. I don’t know if I am ready to find out whatever information there is. Most likely, it is a name and that’s all. Would I be disappointed with that? Would I need to continue the search? I don’t know. I guess the old cliché fits here, only time will tell.

Springtime

2005-04-19T10:34:00.000-04:00

springtime in the park

Well, this is as close as I have gotten to posting a picture. Oh well. I just cannot figure it out. I have tried flickr, I have tried hello. Nothing seems to work. Any help would be appreciated.