Thoughts by Music

Sometimes music plays too much into my memories. Sometime yesterday afternoon, Jann Arden’s “Insensitive” popped into my head. This morning I decided to listen to it. So I put in “Living Under June” and began listening. I was okay as I worked through some of the crap I have to get through until the song came on. It instantly brought me back 18 years to the second break-up of my first boyfriend. We dated for two years off and on. It is amazing how the heart never heals from some things.

Of course, I have also been trying to figure out why this song popped into my head to begin with. We have been in the process of building our front porch steps, which has been less than easy. We have been arguing, okay, fighting, but I cannot figure out why it is in my head. Could it be the bad meeting with the adoption agency #3? Could it be something else? Family? I am not sure.

Sometimes I feel there is too much to sort out and I do not know where to start. Today it is listening to sad, some may say cheesy, music. It helps I guess. We shall see where the afternoon takes me. For now, I am just writing nonsense.

Adoption

One thing I have been trying to figure out over the last couple of weeks has to do with being adopted myself and how I feel about open adoption. It has been a tough internal question to answer. On one level, I can kind of see the importance in knowing. On the other, I have issues because mine was closed. I have tried to put myself in the position of being a child and trying to differentiate between birth and adoptive parents but because that wasn’t the case with me, it is obviously hard to do. It also brings up something that I thought I had dealt with: Do I want to know my birth mother/parents?

Growing up, I can remember being about 13 and asking my family at the time about finding my birthmother. As always, they said if I wanted, but it the topic was pretty much dropped. I may have gone to a therapist for a couple of sessions but that was it. Who knew that within a year I would on my way to be with a new family and it would all change.

Since then, I have often wondered about my heritage or medical history just to know. Holding a grudge against my birth family has stopped me from wanting more information than that. Finally having a doctor tell me that being adopted is not a bad thing and that he would test for things sooner than if they knew it ran in the family finally convinced me that it was not a big deal. It was no longer important to me because I have a family now and that is what matters.

I guess what I like about open adoption is it starts to take away to stigma I had felt about being adopted. The late 70’s was still a time were pregnant teenagers were sent away to have the child because it was a bad thing. I was most likely wisked away quickly before anything could change. While my family was very upfront about being adopted, I was too young to know what it was. Once I realized it, it was hard to come to terms with, especially without any guidance. Growing up without knowing the history was hard in school because I could not do the family tree projects…I had no tree. I had a different family. In meeting with different agencies, I have seen that families are working on this now. Open adoption lets there be a tree and I can see how that can be a good thing for the child. I know firsthand the experience of being lost and I think that can only help our child. While there is a lot to think about in terms of how to handle questions, I can work with that.

The point of this post is about knowing birthparents. Now that I have the ability to get my original birth certificate and have a name, I am not sure if it really matters. I want to know just to know, but part of me doesn’t want to know because I am mad. I am mad for not knowing the reasons why I was put up for adoption and still feel a sort of an abandonment because of it. Knowing is not going to change what happened in the past and I am not sure how big a deal it is. Of course my other concern is what if through some means my birth parents want to meet. How do I deal with that? I have the concern about being gay, and about being rejected again. Rejected is the wrong word, I understand that. I guess that would be one reason to try to find them. So I could know the reason and maybe forgive them. But forgive them for what? They had no idea what path lay ahead for me.

Obviously there is still a lot for me to work out with this, hence the new therapist. Not a bad thing as I see it ?. I am starting to see the importance of an open adoption and while I still have the same fears about changing minds or issues with the adoption, I think it is important to at least know the facts about where our child is coming from. Does it mean I am going to find out about mine? Maybe, maybe not. I have printed out the form and it is just waiting for the $12 check. I don’t know if I am ready to find out whatever information there is. Most likely, it is a name and that’s all. Would I be disappointed with that? Would I need to continue the search? I don’t know. I guess the old cliché fits here, only time will tell.

Springtime

springtime in the park

Well, this is as close as I have gotten to posting a picture. Oh well. I just cannot figure it out. I have tried flickr, I have tried hello. Nothing seems to work. Any help would be appreciated.

Politicos

What a day, gay republicans coming out, civil unions with clauses, and outing.

It looks like all these amendments finally have some gay republicans realizing that these amendments are saying something bad about them. A legislator in Minnesota came out after he voted against that states marriage amendment stating that now it is out, we can concentrate on what really matters, health care, jobs, etc. Along with that, a mayor in a small town in Kansas came out as well, saying it was time, especially after that state passed an amendment.

I'll admit, I do not understand gay republicans. I can see the benefits for the fiscal conservative, but I cannot understand supporting a candidate that pushes for legislation to make you, as a GLBT person, a second-class citizen. I agree that we cannot be a one-issue voter but supporting a candidate who denies who you are on a core level seems crazy to me. Can someone explain it? It seems that if people came out and did not make a big deal about it, the more that happened, the more it would be accepted and the more they would be able to be republicans. I know this a naïve idea—too many people pushing their interpretations of things upon us—but what if we took the words to heart? Love thy neighbor, not Love they neighbor unless they are different than you; Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you, so it is okay for us to yell hateful things at them, glare when we walk past their houses, say mean things to their children. And how come what happens in my house is for public consumption but what happens in their house is a personal matter?

All this of course brings up public outing. I cannot say I disagree with it. While I think coming out is an extremely private issue, if you are publicly supporting candidates who oppose who you are on a core level, then yes, I think there is a much larger issue at hand. People should think about themselves and their families, not their political careers. There is too much shit happening in the world not to be true to your self and to push for tolerance, acceptance, so people can come out and have it not mean anything.

Connecticut just passed a civil unions law. Hooray for them! It is a great day when a state passes legislation on their own to try and make us equal....but wait, the house amended it to state marriage is between a man and a woman. So GLBT people, raise your head high as you may soon enter into a civil union but don't smile to big because we are going to get slapped in the face when you come in to apply for it. Yes, civil unions are better than nothing but since what we are looking for is the civil rights, why not make all marriages preformed by the state civil unions. Then there is not second class citizenship. Everyone is equal.

And I could go on to state my displeasure with HRC, (how much money goes into the states as opposed to your pockets?) but that will be a different post. But at least spring is here.

Agrivation

Argh! I am so agrivated. All I want to do is try and concenrate on work but the only thing on my mind today is baby. My lack of concenration is nerve wracking. With any luck, we'll go home, get some groceries and maybe go to bed early. I just need to relax tonight. Maybe a tub is in order.

Vermont Agency could work....

Well, the welcome weekend in Vermont went better than expected. It was nice to get out of our house and relax as well as to meet many other parents who are looking to adopt.

The 3 1/3 hour drive gave us plenty of time to talk about what we are looking for. The drive back was mainly filled with lots of discussion about what we can accept and what we can’t. Could we handle a mother who smoked throughout her pregnancy, if she does drugs, or doesn’t provide a medical history. The weekend brought up a lot we had no considered, which is a good thing.

One plus to the agency is that they are very forthcoming with information and blunt when it comes down to it. They talked about the good, the bad, the possibilities and were very good in not sugar coating everything, which we appreciated.

The weekend was good and bad for me. It brought up a lot of issues about being adopted myself and it has taken (and will continue to) a lot of soul searching in terms of preparing to work with a birthmother. When I think back to growing up, I can only remember one time when I wanted to find my birthmother and that was only a time when I was not that happy. Other than that, I have people that I considered family and am very happy with them. I still have lots of issues around family and what that means but I am starting to work on that.

Is open adoption right for us? It definitely scares us but after this weekend, I think we are ready to move forward with it. I think we have calmed our fears about having a birthparent involved at every step has been dulled, although it is still a concern. A large concern is also whether the birthfather is involved in the adoption process or not. As I am sure all adoptive parents feel, we are concerned that if both do not agree with the adoption that the birth father would come back and try to take the child. This weekend help assure us that the agency would do whatever they can to make sure this wouldn’t happen, and while it still could, I feel much better about it than I did.

Overall, we are not sure if this is “The” agency for us but it is definitely a possibility. We are hoping to make a decision in the next month or so if possible. I think we might try to get the home study out of the way or at least started. It is amazing how quickly these things can come. A few months ago, we realized surrogacy wasn’t going to work, and now we are well into finding an agency for adoption.

baby weekend

Spring has sprung. The public gardens were beautiful this morning. They are filling the pond, the magnolia's are in bloom. Ahhh. Spring.

Well, the welcome weekend in Vermont went better than expected. It was nice to get out of our house and relax as well as to meet many other parents who are looking to adopt.

The 3 1/3 hour drive gave us plenty of time to talk about what we are looking for. The drive back was mainly filled with lots of discussion about what we can accept and what we can’t. Could we handle a mother who smoked throughout her pregnancy, if she does drugs, or doesn’t provide a medical history. The weekend brought up a lot we had no considered, which is a good thing.

One plus to the agency is that they are very forthcoming with information and blunt when it comes down to it. They talked about the good, the bad, the possibilities and were very good in not sugar coating everything, which we appreciated.

The weekend was good and bad for me. It brought up a lot of issues about being adopted myself and it has taken (and will continue to) a lot of soul searching in terms of preparing to work with a birthmother. When I think back to growing up, I can only remember one time when I wanted to find my birthmother and that was only a time when I was not that happy. Other than that, I have people that I considered family and am very happy with them. I still have lots of issues around family and what that means but I am starting to work on that.

Is open adoption right for us? It definitely scares us but after this weekend, I think we are ready to move forward with it. I think we have calmed our fears about having a birthparent involved at every step has been dulled, although it is still a concern. A large concern is also whether the birthfather is involved in the adoption process or not. As I am sure all adoptive parents feel, we are concerned that if both do not agree with the adoption that the birth father would come back and try to take the child. This weekend help assure us that the agency would do whatever they can to make sure this wouldn’t happen, and while it still could, I feel much better about it than I did.

Overall, we are not sure if this is “The” agency for us but it is definitely a possibility. We are hoping to make a decision in the next month or so if possible. I think we might try to get the home study out of the way or at least started. It is amazing how quickly these things can come. A few months ago, we realized surrogacy wasn’t going to work, and now we are well into finding an agency for adoption.

Frustration

Argh. I am so freaking frustrated with myself. I came in this morning thinking I was in the right frame of mind to get some work done, to just sit down and get to it. Have I done anything in the hour and 45 minutes I have been here? No. I just cannot concentrate on getting anything done. I have searched for houses, looked at refinancing the mortgage, looked at some blogs, and some pictures of cute boys. I have thought about how I do not have any music to listen to at work today and how much that sucks. I have thought about writing and have tried to get something done but it is just not happening.

F$CK! I just wish I could figure out what is going on in my head and what I want to do in life. The list of things to do at the house is as always getting to me so much so that I cannot figure out which we have to do first. Throw on top of that, the job situation, and the baby, I don’t know what to concentrate on. Well, I do actually. That would be on getting my job done so I don’t loose it.

I just needed to vent, not that it is going to solve anything, nor that it is for anyone but me. Just to do it makes me feel better I guess. No, it doesn’t. Ok, time to just try and concentrate. Have to get something work related done don’t I?

small things...

So last night I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and saw that my husband had put the glasses and left some dishes in the sink. So, I put them in the dishwasher. This caused the husband to laugh so hard that he had to spit halfway through brushing his teeth. See, this has become a new thing for me. I like to have the sink clear when I go to bed. It makes me feel better. I have also started unloading the dishwasher when I get up in the morning so we can put breakfast dishes in it.

So last night, it just started this laughing fit at my new found neroisis. It was kind fo funny, I have to admit. What is wrong with trying to keep the kitchen clean? I did not yell at him, I just did it.

We shall see how things continue. Maybe it will agrivate me if he cannot manage to put items in the dishwasher, maybe not. It is kind of like him leaving his shoes all over the house...I try to just let it go and move on. No sense in stressing all the time.

Speaking of time, I am off today thanks to the time change. It always takes a couple of days for me to get used to it. Last night I laid in bed for an hour until I fell asleep. Made for a hard rise this morning but I am here....